Really?

So, here's the rant of the day -

It pisses me off that I hate my job.
It pisses me off that I can't quite figure out a plan of escape.
It pisses me off when thin people tell me what I should do to be "healthy" while they carry a bag of fast food past me.
It pisses me off that I feel underappreciated.
It pisses me off that I am bored.

I wish that I was happy right now.  I wish I knew what I need to do to be happy.

I need a plan.

New Year, new me?

Every new year I tell myself I will refuse to make resolutions (they are always the same anyway). 

Eat healthy
Get some exercise
Stop smoking

And almost, as if the fates were trying to tell me something, I hear a report on NPR this morning talking about behaviors.. and why it is so difficult to make resolutions that stick without changing your behaviors.  One of the tricks to help you change your behavior (and keep your resolutions) was to change your environment.  Apparently there are triggers that our subconscious mind attaches to your environment that triggers certain behaviors.  For all the smokers in the room - read, coffee = cig or eat food, then smoke.  These triggers are so powerful that in essence, you are on autopilot. 

The trick then, is to force yourself off of autopilot.  Tough to do.  I've been thinking about this all day and I've decided that my NEW, new years resolution is going to try to live a deliberate life.  A life where I am NOT on autopilot.  A life I choose to live, not a life that chooses me. 

So, for the first of the year I resolve the following:

I will not live on autopilot.  I will live consciously. 

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday.  I am 40.  I weighed in at 206, I smoked on the way to work and I brought everyone in the office poinsettias to decorate for Christmas. 

I think the fates got together and were giving me a message this morning when I pulled out my scale for my final "weigh in" of the Challenge39.  I have had this scale, and got on this scale everyday for the last 7 or maybe even 8 years.  That is a long muthafuckin time... and it has never, ever, not worked. 

So - thinking that nothing would be different today other than THE PAYOFF, I get the scale out, hit the button... and ... nothing.  Blank. 

WHAT the HELL??  Are you kidding me?  Today (of all days) it simply didn't turn on. 

In my world of hidden meanings and messages this is beyond huge.  This is the god damn cosmos telling me that all of my planning and work means... well... nothing.  Is this the cosmos telling me "give it a rest sister" you're fine? 

I'm going with yes.  Message received.  Deep breaths.  Everything is OK.  I am beautiful and strong and smart. 

Word to Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler - 2 outta 3 ain't bad.

I seriously hate where I live

As I move through my life (notice move through - not move into) I am one of those people who actually thinks about it.  I truly try to see the good in people.  I am optimistic even when things go wrong.  I try not to worry, and when things go wrong I'm usually pretty successful in finding a way to turn it into a positive.  I am one of those people who chooses to be happy when it is usually quite clear there is no reason to be.

Today - is not one of those days.

Nothing is wrong.  Nothing is any different than any other day.  It's just that today, I am seeing the world without my rose colored glasses and it really, truly sucks.

I live in Ohio.  Dull, grey, ugly Ohio.  And, no - it's not Columbus or Cleveland or even Cincinnati.  It's nowheresville.  No culture, no restaurants, no music scene, there's not even a god damned bookstore within 30 miles.  Nothing.   Where I live there are no dance clubs, no historic house tours, no horse training stables, no yacht clubs, no.... nothing.  And it's sad. 

All of my greatest ideas, all my contributions to the world that I think I might one day make are as stagnant as the water here.  Nothing moves.  We just circle and rant and circle again. 

At the very least it would be nice to say it's safe or a good place to raise your family.  Except for that there is no industry and consequently no money.  With a dead economy, people here lock their doors and their minds.  Raising my sons in this void, I hope I have the strength to show them what the world could be.

Today, my rose colored glasses are not on - and everything is grey.

I think I'm a creeper - and, thanks

I have only two weeks left to b-day and with the clock ticking I am still pretty confident that I will reach the goals I laid out for myself this year.
I will hit 40 a nicer person
I will weigh less at 40 than I did at 20
I will not be smoking - even if I quit that day damn it...

This blog was my method of keeping myself in check, but it has turned into a silent addiction.  It's not that I post constantly, because I don't.  But I find myself checking in with other people via their blogs.  And frankly, I'm hooked.

I thought I knew it before but I am absolutely convinced now that there is a quiet majority of people out there that all seem to struggle with the same issues.

I thought I was clever until I laughed out loud reading one blog.
I thought I was informed, until I started researching some options and found out I was late to the party.
I thought I was funny, I thought I was alone, I thought I was mean, I thought I was an athlete, I thought I was all sorts of things... and I am.  Just like dozens of other people floating in the ethos - drinking at Starbucks, and going to jobs they can't stand either.

I've used their arguments at cocktail parties and their games at tailgates.  I've used their inspiration and their stories.  In fact, I thought I used them all up - until I found more... and more... and more...

There are alot of us out there.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  I'm sorry I will never meet you.  I think some of you would have been my friends.

60 day window

60 days sounds like a ton of time but in essence, it's just 8 short weeks to my birthday.

Looking back on the plan, I think I can see the end... and I'm nervous.  I usually save my energy for most things until they are due.  I finish work at the last minute, I train right before, I used to pull overnighters to study.  Apparently, I saved up some of my energy till the last minute on this one too.

I have been unusually unconcerned while strangely obsessed with my "turning 40 plan".  I think I am a bit of a visual learner so I filled a jar with stones and left it on my dresser as a reminder.  One beautiful blue stone for each Sunday left before November 30.  Every week I take another stone out of the jar as a reminder of how quickly the days and weeks fly by. 

I make choices everyday, and everyday day gets graded on a curve.  Yes to the fries, no to the cake, yes to the bland no calorie Special K chips, no to the pizza.  I have been trying to change my habits.... but I like my habits.  I am forever telling my kids that they need to "step out of their comfort zone" if they are ever going to learn something new about themselves. 

I think I should take my own advice.

I thought September was going to be workout month (everyday).  Turns out, that might need to be October instead...  1800 calories and 3 days of workouts a week is normal.  If I want to see changes I will need to cut back on the cal, and increase the workouts.   So goes the plan..

hells yeah, i did...

So, we're more than half way to B-day - November 30 -  and several months ago I decided I was going to set my sights on the Warrior Dash.

For the uninitiated - go here!

The warrior dash is a 3.1 mile obstacle course meets 5k through mud, water and fire.  I was pretty sure I could run it, I was not sure my body would deliver on the obstacles.    I talked a few friends into going with me and I am so happy I did.  It was AWESOME.  It was hard, and easy and fun and a little scary and everything I had hoped it would be.

Of course we were not running for time... we were running to finish (and for the free beer at the end).

The entire point of signing up to run the Warrior Dash was to prove to myself that my body can handle a fair amount of stress and survive.  I wanted to prove I could do something I set my mind to.  I wanted to feel alive and in charge of my body.

All these things happened and more.

I rocked the obstacles
I made friends along the way who gave me their free beer chips
... and most importantly, I didn't stop.  I didn't even want to.  I knew that I could do it if I just didn't stop.

New lesson on the eating thing -
just don't quit  (did Nike already use that as a slogan?)