Although I had every intention of posting every Thursday - I completely lost track of the fact that yesterday was, indeed, Thursday.
I am not kidding when I say I am the person who truly forgets how old I am, what day of the week it is and everybodys birthday/anniversary/special day - etc. It's like my brain is ratcheting up for other things and I am so overtired that I really lose sight of things most people know cold.
So, yesterday I was busy. And I heard (for the first time in my life) the following:
Office cat lady: "I have to redo all the sales charts"
Me: "Oh, that's got to stink.. sorry to hear that"
Office cat lady: "well - congratulations - it's your fault"
Me: "Really?"
OCL: "You are off the charts"
Me: "You mean my sales?"
OCL: "Yeah, you sold so much this month that it won't fit on the charts I normally make so I have to re-do them to make room for your monthly sales"
Me: "Oh.. well, I suppose that's a pretty good problem for the company to have"
OCL: "Yeah, it is - congratulations"
And the super shitty thing here is that although I had a wonder woman moment for about 10 seconds... I didn't care. The joy was fleeting and I was back at my desk surfing the web for graduate schools, new jobs and funny blogs about 20 minutes later. WTF? Is this what depression feels like?
I was watching the movie Fight Club the other night and there is a scene where the main character (oh how I love thee Edward Norton) is having a conversation with his alter-ego. In it, the alter tells him "God does not love you, you are not special. And once you get over that, you will finally be free"
I think I am in a mid life freak out. I had an idyllic childhood. My parents were the ones who told me I could be president, or a rock star or... anything... and I believed them. Now - I am 40 and I am not famous or rich or powerful. I am however "off the charts" with no passion for my pursuits.
I am whining...
I hate whiners...
I need a plan and I hope it involves being thin, rich and powerful. Is that too much to ask?
***********************
No sooner do I get done writing this - I go to check my horoscope (because it's fun, don't judge) and this is mine for today...
Friday, Sep 28th, 2012 -- You have spent a lot of time analyzing the possibilities and thinking about where you want your life to go. Although your grand scheme may remain unchanged, your plan to create your ideal future continues to undergo radical change because of unexpected opportunities that have not yet come to fruition. It's difficult to know whether or not they are real, which, in turn, makes it harder to fix on one strategy now. Be patient; the truth is out there for you to find.
Jesus, I sure as shit hope so, because this mood I am in is driving me nutty. All I currently want to do is read bad fiction novels and get drunk...
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Ode to Thursday..
Which is by and far the greatest day of the week.
"Why?" you say, well because it is - in fact - the real beginning of the weekend.
Here's the deal.
By Thursday, you are starting to finalize your plans for Friday night, laying out the plan for Saturday and figuring out what you're going to do on Sunday.
If you grew up in the 80's Thursday night kicked off three days of freedom with the NBC television line up.
Seinfeld, Friends, ER. Then you hip hoppity through Friday to the Friday night party.. etc, etc.
I love Thursdays. They sound like Thor - who is a badass (regardless of the stupid move version where the pointy nosed black swan star wars chick whined the whole time.) Thor swings a monster bat. Speaking softly and carrying a big bat is cool, ergo Thor is cool, ergo Thursday. For those of you who aspire to win on Jeopardy - read this.
So if Thursday makes me smile - and it usually does- I've decided Thursdays will be a must post day.
Heretofore known as: Thursday Thunder (which loosely translates into -my fucking rant of the week).
And - because I am in a major funk for no apparent reason- I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (as I see it) so help me God(dess).
Old gay man waiters
What the fuck is your problem. Do I smell? Is there a reason you saunter to my table with such disdain? Do you believe that because I am somewhat overweight I will require you to do some kind of extra work? Do you have any idea how much of a foodie I really am and regardless of your own training I could likely school ya' on a few things even though right now I look a bit like a laid out Wal-mart version of a 4th grade teacher. Fuck you, old man gay waiter. You chose this gig as your career - not me. Bring me my micro brew fruit infused beer with a fucking smile before I split your lip (or tip you less than the 20% you think you are entitled to)
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Just like we have white trash in America, there exists in the world no small number of Eurotrash that trot the globe. The difference is, Eurotrash is rich (otherwise they could not afford 3 week vacations in the states). Should you think you have seen one in your local major metropolitan airport - you probably have. Here's some clues:
1. there is a strange mix of expensive cologne and body odor
2. jeans - skinny jeans, set low on the waist, usually being pulled down by an ipod strategically placed so that you can see just the top - and know they paid for it
3. Adidas or some other sport wear brand top, shoes etc. paired with a big expensive bag
4. grimy hair
I want to like them for coming to America and spending their money. They just kind of smell.
Young love with no future
Have you ever found yourself looking in the paper on Sunday morning at the wedding and engagement announcements? Sometimes you can see on their faces that it is just not going to work. Sometimes it really was not meant to be. I so want to warn them.
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Is it really necessary to have your legs shaved all the time. Even when you're wearing jeans for a few days and you are not in the mood for sex? Naw... I didn't think so. Is it also true that you generally only shave your legs when you want to get laid or are wearing a dress? Yep.... me too.
Twitter stalking
I freely admit to using social networking to stalk my kids. They are teenage boys for christsakes. Getting information out of them can be trickier than pulling gum out of your hair (and equally as messy).
"Why?" you say, well because it is - in fact - the real beginning of the weekend.
Here's the deal.
By Thursday, you are starting to finalize your plans for Friday night, laying out the plan for Saturday and figuring out what you're going to do on Sunday.
If you grew up in the 80's Thursday night kicked off three days of freedom with the NBC television line up.
Seinfeld, Friends, ER. Then you hip hoppity through Friday to the Friday night party.. etc, etc.
I love Thursdays. They sound like Thor - who is a badass (regardless of the stupid move version where the pointy nosed black swan star wars chick whined the whole time.) Thor swings a monster bat. Speaking softly and carrying a big bat is cool, ergo Thor is cool, ergo Thursday. For those of you who aspire to win on Jeopardy - read this.
So if Thursday makes me smile - and it usually does- I've decided Thursdays will be a must post day.
Heretofore known as: Thursday Thunder (which loosely translates into -my fucking rant of the week).
And - because I am in a major funk for no apparent reason- I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (as I see it) so help me God(dess).
Old gay man waiters
What the fuck is your problem. Do I smell? Is there a reason you saunter to my table with such disdain? Do you believe that because I am somewhat overweight I will require you to do some kind of extra work? Do you have any idea how much of a foodie I really am and regardless of your own training I could likely school ya' on a few things even though right now I look a bit like a laid out Wal-mart version of a 4th grade teacher. Fuck you, old man gay waiter. You chose this gig as your career - not me. Bring me my micro brew fruit infused beer with a fucking smile before I split your lip (or tip you less than the 20% you think you are entitled to)
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Just like we have white trash in America, there exists in the world no small number of Eurotrash that trot the globe. The difference is, Eurotrash is rich (otherwise they could not afford 3 week vacations in the states). Should you think you have seen one in your local major metropolitan airport - you probably have. Here's some clues:
1. there is a strange mix of expensive cologne and body odor
2. jeans - skinny jeans, set low on the waist, usually being pulled down by an ipod strategically placed so that you can see just the top - and know they paid for it
3. Adidas or some other sport wear brand top, shoes etc. paired with a big expensive bag
4. grimy hair
I want to like them for coming to America and spending their money. They just kind of smell.
Young love with no future
Have you ever found yourself looking in the paper on Sunday morning at the wedding and engagement announcements? Sometimes you can see on their faces that it is just not going to work. Sometimes it really was not meant to be. I so want to warn them.
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Is it really necessary to have your legs shaved all the time. Even when you're wearing jeans for a few days and you are not in the mood for sex? Naw... I didn't think so. Is it also true that you generally only shave your legs when you want to get laid or are wearing a dress? Yep.... me too.
Twitter stalking
I freely admit to using social networking to stalk my kids. They are teenage boys for christsakes. Getting information out of them can be trickier than pulling gum out of your hair (and equally as messy).
Monday, September 17, 2012
Is behavior, belief?
Monday morning.
I catch up on my email, read through a bunch of FB posts, and think about starting work.
Except... there is no work to be done. No phone calls to be made, no orders to enter, no quotes to take care of. Nothing real.
Lots of speculation though - reports that will get thrown in the trash, requests for funds that will get filed in a drawer and marketing forecasts that will have coffee spilled on them (and then get thrown in the trash).
A couple of months ago an acquaintance of mine stopped by the house to say hi. He lives about an hour away so I really only kept in touch with him through FB. I seriously, do not even have his phone number. So as we are chatting it up, he tells me he had to get off FB and all of his social networking sites because he was starting to feel inconsequential. He could not help comparing himself to others and he felt like he wasn't matching up. He shut the whole thing down in an effort to get back to focusing on his family and his own life.
I suppose I get it.
I can't help comparing myself to my perceptions about other people's lives. Are they as bored as me? Unchallenged? Sad? To take a page out of my friend's book - no. They look busy and happy and healthy. I don't believe it though.. not really.
I think most of us are stuck in a rut. Not knowing the right steps to get out. Fear manipulating our choices. Boredom blocking our way. I never thought I would be apathetic... but here I am.
All I want to do is be snarky and negative
All I really need to do is positive and move forward.
I heard on NPR today that the best way to manipulate your belief is change your behavior (some teacher study on working with problem students).
This is an ongoing theme that my head hears but my heart just can't seem to deliver...
I catch up on my email, read through a bunch of FB posts, and think about starting work.
Except... there is no work to be done. No phone calls to be made, no orders to enter, no quotes to take care of. Nothing real.
Lots of speculation though - reports that will get thrown in the trash, requests for funds that will get filed in a drawer and marketing forecasts that will have coffee spilled on them (and then get thrown in the trash).
A couple of months ago an acquaintance of mine stopped by the house to say hi. He lives about an hour away so I really only kept in touch with him through FB. I seriously, do not even have his phone number. So as we are chatting it up, he tells me he had to get off FB and all of his social networking sites because he was starting to feel inconsequential. He could not help comparing himself to others and he felt like he wasn't matching up. He shut the whole thing down in an effort to get back to focusing on his family and his own life.
I suppose I get it.
I can't help comparing myself to my perceptions about other people's lives. Are they as bored as me? Unchallenged? Sad? To take a page out of my friend's book - no. They look busy and happy and healthy. I don't believe it though.. not really.
I think most of us are stuck in a rut. Not knowing the right steps to get out. Fear manipulating our choices. Boredom blocking our way. I never thought I would be apathetic... but here I am.
All I want to do is be snarky and negative
All I really need to do is positive and move forward.
I heard on NPR today that the best way to manipulate your belief is change your behavior (some teacher study on working with problem students).
This is an ongoing theme that my head hears but my heart just can't seem to deliver...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
My demon is a demanding bitch...
Whether you've actually seen the Twilight movies or not - you may have seen the trailer where Edward looks at Bella and says.. "you are my own special brand of heroin."
And that my dears... is my relationship with food.
I love it. I need it. I think about it hundreds of times a day.
What am I going to eat? When? Where? With who?
I eat when I'm happy, confused, depressed, hungry, not hungry, anxious, sick, bored and busy.
I love healthy food, bad food, restaurants, food trucks, eating at home, eating at parties and everything in between.
The trouble is - when you are addicted to the one thing that has the propensity to kill you it's hard to know when to stop.
My entire life revolves around food. I exercise so I can have an excuse to feed my demon. When I don't, I feed the fucker anyway and then bitch when my jeans are too tight. I justify my menu because I believe I deserve to have some happiness.
I play games with myself and my diet depending on my mood of the minute/hour/day/month.
I am so very tired of cutting deals with myself over my obsession with food.
I am tired and don't want to think about it anymore.... except that I am in love with her... my demon... and I don't know how to just eat enough to survive instead of enough to sooth my soul.
And that my dears... is my relationship with food.
I love it. I need it. I think about it hundreds of times a day.
What am I going to eat? When? Where? With who?
I eat when I'm happy, confused, depressed, hungry, not hungry, anxious, sick, bored and busy.
I love healthy food, bad food, restaurants, food trucks, eating at home, eating at parties and everything in between.
The trouble is - when you are addicted to the one thing that has the propensity to kill you it's hard to know when to stop.
My entire life revolves around food. I exercise so I can have an excuse to feed my demon. When I don't, I feed the fucker anyway and then bitch when my jeans are too tight. I justify my menu because I believe I deserve to have some happiness.
I play games with myself and my diet depending on my mood of the minute/hour/day/month.
I am so very tired of cutting deals with myself over my obsession with food.
I am tired and don't want to think about it anymore.... except that I am in love with her... my demon... and I don't know how to just eat enough to survive instead of enough to sooth my soul.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Pigtails on women are silly
Stop the madness!
If you are over 40, nay 20 - there is no reason I can understand why you would ever need or choose to wear your hair in pigtails or, better yet, braided pigtails.
Truly, help me understand. I get that you went to a few Grateful Dead shows in college... tried to follow Phish but decided that was a far stretch from the real thing.. and finally, gave up and turned to some "cat fish blue" on the weekends.
I get that you love healthy, sustainable, organic agriculture. I appreciate that you still own and buy Birkenstocks. I realize you still have a jingly ankle bracelet in your jewelry box, an old Guatemalan pouch filled with shake from about 15 years ago and your tarot cards upstairs wrapped in a silk scarf. (oh, wait, is that just me??)
But, why - in the name of Jerry and the boys- do you need pigtails? Oh.. and a pioneer woman scarf? I little babushka feel, really.
I can rock an old school hippie vibe with my hair pulled back in a simple ponytail.
Just sayin...
If you are over 40, nay 20 - there is no reason I can understand why you would ever need or choose to wear your hair in pigtails or, better yet, braided pigtails.
Truly, help me understand. I get that you went to a few Grateful Dead shows in college... tried to follow Phish but decided that was a far stretch from the real thing.. and finally, gave up and turned to some "cat fish blue" on the weekends.
I get that you love healthy, sustainable, organic agriculture. I appreciate that you still own and buy Birkenstocks. I realize you still have a jingly ankle bracelet in your jewelry box, an old Guatemalan pouch filled with shake from about 15 years ago and your tarot cards upstairs wrapped in a silk scarf. (oh, wait, is that just me??)
But, why - in the name of Jerry and the boys- do you need pigtails? Oh.. and a pioneer woman scarf? I little babushka feel, really.
I can rock an old school hippie vibe with my hair pulled back in a simple ponytail.
Just sayin...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Washing walls
Who in the hell washes their walls?
Left to my own devices I would drink beer and listen to country music while reading a Dan Brown-esque novel and getting a tan. hmmm.. maybe this weekend?
I have always worked. At 15 my mom used to drop me off in the summer at the local no-tel mo-tel so I could clean rooms for the folks who owned the place. (for 20 years I could NOT stand the smell of curry)
At 16 I did exactly 3 days a McDonalds.
I worked through high school at the True Value hawking lumber and toilet bowl parts to my friends' parents.
College is a dizzying array of waitressing gigs and radio. First shift, third shift.. you name it. I secretly fashioned myself a modern day Flo from Alice's Diner...
After school - it was real world radio and tv jobs.
During babies - it was teaching aerobics
After babies - it was the family fence business
Now - it's somebody else's manufacturing business
And at no point through any of this did it ever once occur to me that I should spend a day of my life washing the walls of my house/apartment/condo. I work all the time...
Normally my house looks pretty clean. It doesn't smell and you can easily pull the "5 second rule" on a dropped hot dog without a trip to the bathroom or the emergency room 8 hours later. What I can't figure out though is how to make enough time in my life to wash the walls. WTF? Here's how the wall washing would play out in my world (and my justification for not doing it).
"I am going to wash the walls today"
"I suppose I should do it one room at a time"
"I will start in my bedroom and work down through the house"
"I should dust everything first"
"Those louver doors are going to take about 45 minutes to detail them and get it right"
"If I am doing the louver doors, I should probably clean out the closet"
"I need to go get some new vacuum cleaner bags so after I get everything pulled out I can clean the floor under all the shoes"
"I need to donate those shoes and the clothes to Goodwill - I should pick up some garbage bags too.."
So... 4 hours later clothes sorted and louvers dusted it's half way through the day and I would not have even washed walls in ONE room.
I really want to tell myself that if you're going to do it - do it right - one time - that'll hold.
What I think really choose to do is - look the other way.
I am very good at looking the other way - I wish I was better at doing it right.
Left to my own devices I would drink beer and listen to country music while reading a Dan Brown-esque novel and getting a tan. hmmm.. maybe this weekend?
I have always worked. At 15 my mom used to drop me off in the summer at the local no-tel mo-tel so I could clean rooms for the folks who owned the place. (for 20 years I could NOT stand the smell of curry)
At 16 I did exactly 3 days a McDonalds.
I worked through high school at the True Value hawking lumber and toilet bowl parts to my friends' parents.
College is a dizzying array of waitressing gigs and radio. First shift, third shift.. you name it. I secretly fashioned myself a modern day Flo from Alice's Diner...
After school - it was real world radio and tv jobs.
During babies - it was teaching aerobics
After babies - it was the family fence business
Now - it's somebody else's manufacturing business
And at no point through any of this did it ever once occur to me that I should spend a day of my life washing the walls of my house/apartment/condo. I work all the time...
Normally my house looks pretty clean. It doesn't smell and you can easily pull the "5 second rule" on a dropped hot dog without a trip to the bathroom or the emergency room 8 hours later. What I can't figure out though is how to make enough time in my life to wash the walls. WTF? Here's how the wall washing would play out in my world (and my justification for not doing it).
"I am going to wash the walls today"
"I suppose I should do it one room at a time"
"I will start in my bedroom and work down through the house"
"I should dust everything first"
"Those louver doors are going to take about 45 minutes to detail them and get it right"
"If I am doing the louver doors, I should probably clean out the closet"
"I need to go get some new vacuum cleaner bags so after I get everything pulled out I can clean the floor under all the shoes"
"I need to donate those shoes and the clothes to Goodwill - I should pick up some garbage bags too.."
So... 4 hours later clothes sorted and louvers dusted it's half way through the day and I would not have even washed walls in ONE room.
I really want to tell myself that if you're going to do it - do it right - one time - that'll hold.
What I think really choose to do is - look the other way.
I am very good at looking the other way - I wish I was better at doing it right.
Monday, August 13, 2012
I'm back.. with a LONG damn list
So... I've been away awhile. Kind of a long while actually, for no other reason than I've been damn lazy and distracted.
Back in the day I started this as a way to keep myself on track with the "I want to get healthy" thing. In reality, all the "I want to get healthy" thing really means is: "I want to look smokin' hot in those jeans." Don't lie - you know it's true.
For the record I am back on the health tip but it's going to start taking a backseat to the screaming in my head. I don't know if it's because I am getting older or meaner but my patience for the world is waning. Never fear my dears... I still get all hearts and rainbows every now and again but the shiznit I have seen over the summer has got me ready to bitch slap the next size 2 soccer mom who calls herself fat.
Angst? Yep. Frustration? You bet.
I've done a whole summer of beach vacations and parties so I am ready to get this thing started again...Here's the coming attractions - (so I can take them off Evernote on my phone)
Old gay man waiters
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Young love with no future
Why bud light may, in fact, be the worst beer ever foisted upon Americans
Cheese people
Washing walls
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Overeating to compensate for feelings of inferiority
Expectations and disappointments..
Twitter stalking
20 somethings
Yes - I can see where this going. I may be one of the nicest people you ever meet in real life - but here, in this space, I am going to tell my version of the truth... and it won't be pretty or edited for television.
I need to purge so grab a bucket.
Back in the day I started this as a way to keep myself on track with the "I want to get healthy" thing. In reality, all the "I want to get healthy" thing really means is: "I want to look smokin' hot in those jeans." Don't lie - you know it's true.
For the record I am back on the health tip but it's going to start taking a backseat to the screaming in my head. I don't know if it's because I am getting older or meaner but my patience for the world is waning. Never fear my dears... I still get all hearts and rainbows every now and again but the shiznit I have seen over the summer has got me ready to bitch slap the next size 2 soccer mom who calls herself fat.
Angst? Yep. Frustration? You bet.
I've done a whole summer of beach vacations and parties so I am ready to get this thing started again...Here's the coming attractions - (so I can take them off Evernote on my phone)
Old gay man waiters
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Young love with no future
Why bud light may, in fact, be the worst beer ever foisted upon Americans
Cheese people
Washing walls
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Overeating to compensate for feelings of inferiority
Expectations and disappointments..
Twitter stalking
20 somethings
Yes - I can see where this going. I may be one of the nicest people you ever meet in real life - but here, in this space, I am going to tell my version of the truth... and it won't be pretty or edited for television.
I need to purge so grab a bucket.
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