Before and After Photos...

You'll hear real responsible types tell you that there is no such thing as "before" and "after" photos because "after" really means forever.  God, if that were true... 

I sincerely hope that once I get this project really rolling I will believe in the forever.  I relish the day that I can look back at some photos from 2009 or 2010 and congratulate myself for losing 50, 75 even 100 lbs.

I view my whole weight loss journey as a huge experiment filled with tests and trials that need checked, and checked again.  Truthfully, it's why I try not to beat myself up much.  I log a failure (a gain) as a proof positive that "_____" didn't work. 

What I can't quite wrap my brain around however is the idea of the "before and after" photos.  What will my after photos look like?  I came across some old sports photos from 1988 - my junior year in high school.  I remember HATING how fat I was and how horrified I was to get my picture taken in the tight softball pants.  I also remember that being the last time I was anywhere near normal weight.  Even then I was 165 pounds (overweight) according to health charts.  

When I found the picture buried in an old box I almost starting crying - I looked fabulous!  I mean truly - WOW.  What the hell was I thinking?  Which leads me to this...  

Was that picture the "before" or the "after"?

My weight has been a constant struggle as far back as I can remember.  But regardless, my thighs have always rubbed together.  Your body style is your body style and I although it's hard to imagine what I will look like by November 30, 2011 - I can't seem to visualize myself at a normal weight.  I have absolutely no frame of reference for it.  None, in my adult life.  None, in my adolescence.  Me being average weight is a fantasy photo in my mind and even that is blurry.  I can't SEE it.  I can barely imagine it.  And that is a huge hurdle to me. 

Everyone says you have to believe you can succeed.  This, in and of itself, is part of the struggle.  I don't know if I will ever truly believe I can be an average weight because I can't quite visualize it.