Today is a dark day (not outside, it's beautiful).
Work is for shit and I am seriously questioning my life choices again. When I am super busy I simply do NOT have time to kvetch about anything. It's one thing, to the next, to the next... with no down time to think about anything else.
When things get slow I start questioning everything...
Am I good at what I do?
Do I like what I do?
Shouldn't I be grateful that I have a job?
Grateful my ass... grateful to who? I spend everyday doing what I think I should instead of what I want and create little games with myself to distract myself from the real dirt. I am currently in a 6 week competition with a chick at work to see who can stay on plan long enough to lose 40 pounds... No, I am not going to lose 40 pounds in 6 weeks - shit, I will be lucky to lose 10. In reality we are both hoping for 40 by August which a much more reasonable goal. The "goal" however is merely a distraction from life.
I get up every morning and go through the motions. So does everyone I know. What makes me so special that I think I deserve more.
About a year ago I was at a work function and after a day of seminars and what-not, a few folks met up for drinks. After about 2 martinis I start to talk and before I know it things are loud and everyone is laughing and having a great time. One of the people we were with is a successful businessman who was telling us about his new home in Tuscany - yes, Italy. (Bastard). Anyway, houses in Tuscany led to politics and politics found me the lone Democrat in a room of Republicans. It's hard to stop my mouth and after a few semi-heated exchanges, said businessman told me... wait for it... that I was "average - in every way."
WTF? "average in every way", me? Really? Whoa... I hadn't had a blow to my psyche like that since about 7th grade. Seriously.... average? OK. Clearly - it threw me for a loop because in some ways I've always wanted to be average. Average size so I can shop in normal stores. But not just average.... I really think I was put here to be more than average. To do good work - to help people - to inspire - to excel - to be more than average.
Which brings me back to today. Do I really deserve more for myself. I do if I want to be better than average, right? So in the middle of all this existential thinking about what to do with my life I get hit with a series of problems with my customers. One right after the other - bang, bang, bang. I have to go out back into our industrial shop to fix one of them and in the middle of my "am I an average shithead" conversation with myself I find a black butterfly. In the middle of a manufacturing shop. On my product. Looking at me.
When I reached out to touch it, it did not fly away - it jumped on to my finger. And stayed. A long time. 10 minutes or more while I showed a friend of mine.
Because I am always looking for symbolism - here is what a quick google search came up with:
"Herein lies the deepest symbolic lesson of the butterfly. She asks us to accept the changes in our lives as casually as she does. The butterfly unquestioningly embraces the changes of her environment and her body.
This unwavering acceptance of her metamorphosis is also symbolic of faith. Here the butterfly beckons us to keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our lives. She understands that our toiling, fretting and anger are useless against the turning tides of nature – she asks us to recognize the same. "
Now what... my "average" brain is having trouble processing... suggestions?
