Choosing to make it a good day

Somedays I feel like crap.  Today is not one one of those days.  Today, I choose to be happy.

After much ado with my broken scale I found one on the cheap and bought it on Saturday.  What this means of course is that I got on a scale for the first time since November and what I saw made me want to throw up.  Literally.

In two months I am up 16 lbs.  What ??!!  (obviously, this new scale must be broke)

Get off scale, get back on - up.  16lbs.

This, my friends, is a very large speed bump in my world.  Not a wall mind you, just a speed bump.  If I think back about how something like this happens it is certainly no surprise.  I can count on both hands the number of times over the past two months where I ate so much I nearly shit my pants (was that a song lyric?)

I remember drinking and eating and drinking some more.  I remember several times that I thought I would explode from all the food I had just ingested but "knowing" it would just fall back off if I drank alot of water and went running once a week.  FAIL. All of that is clearly not what happened.

What happened, is that my size 16 jeans (which I was convinced would one day be too big) are now so tight that I haven't worn them in a month.  My size 18 jeans cut into my stomach when I sit at work and make me annoyed that all my shirts look strange.  My size 20 jeans go on tight and then stretch out to the point where they are the only option for the weekends.    Yesterday in fact, I found myself piddling around the house in a size 22 stretchy jean.  Seriously.

But, for all the negative there, I still believe that this is just a winter build up.  I swear if I lived back in the days of dinosaurs and foraging for food I would clearly be the hottest chick at the fire ring.  My big ass can store fat like a squirrel putting away nuts for the winter and all the cavemen would want to get with the super mom who would be able to feed their hairy little offspring.  Alas, we are not cavemen and my big ass doesn't get me anything other a second glance from drunken sailor on shore leave.

So - with the best of intentions I head off into my next great adventure.  All weight loss projects in my world seem to start at the beginning of the month.  I look at them as grand experiments.  I have my favorites that I keep running through to various degrees of success.  I love it when a new one comes along that puts on twist on a oldie but a goodie. 

Enter my girlfriend Lisa.  So, she sees some show on TV (Dr. Oz - who has time to stay home during the day?) and buys the book of some guy who says "all you need to do....."  and we're in.
Apparently we are going to alternate low carb and high carb days.  We're going to drink water and exercise 30 minutes a day.  The exercise is going to be tough because of some scheduling issues with my sons this week but I think I can make it work most days.

Full report to follow in one week.  Dear god in heaven - let the scale NOT say 219 next Monday.

Lunch drinking

Unbeknown (is that a word?) to me - I've been drinking at lunch every Friday for the past couple of months.  Apparently, I always eat Mexican food on Friday too.  So say my co-workers who make sure I get to the damn restaurant every week.

I can't quite put into words why or how much I love the chips and salsa thing. I realize this is probably bad on some level, but I am here to tell you - nothing makes the afternoon mean less to me than a Corona Light and taco de carne asada.   Good God in heaven - the rest of the weekend starts kickin' when I get the tableside guacamole to go with it.  I think I may just need to move to Mexico.  

In fact, what the hell ever happened to casual drinking?  I don't really watch too much TV because I am a bit of a movie freak.  But, with somewhat limited options, I can get downright obsessive about a few television series every now and then.  I was crazy for Twin Peaks back in the day.. I got completely caught up in Lost.. and I still (yes, how many years later) want to be on Survivor.  

So, in that vein, the other day I decide it's finally time to find out what all the hype is about - so I go scouting through Netflix looking for Mad Men.  Holy happy hour batman!  What in THE hell, is that all about?  What happened to the days of cocktails after a big meeting and why don't we do that anymore?  Is it just where I live?  Is it the time in which I live? 

I am here to tell you if I could enjoy a cocktail and a smoke at work, I would probably treat this place like Google - move a bed in here and never leave.

Cheers to beers and tequila at lunch.  (I probably should not answer the phone this afternoon).

The three C's

Today I ate the greatest sandwich ever.  Hot, fried and spicy - all my faves wrapped up into one delicious lunch option of the gods.

Hello guilt?  Was the choice to scarf down that 800 calorie stack of goodness worth every bite?

Fuck if I know. 

Add to the calorie fest - the choice not to workout today, and it feels like my poor decision making is spiraling me down into a hole. 

The other day it occurred to me that I can only really control one thing at a time.  I can multi-task like a bitch but in the final analysis I can really only do one thing well.  Either kick ass at work or kick ass at home.  It is one or the other.  Every now and then I get to thinking that regardless of the fact that I am slowly dying at work every day - I could at least stay focused on the health thing.  Maybe lose a bunch of weight - turn into a super hottie and get a great new job.   The problem however,  is that when I decide that is what I am going to do - I don't do it.  I blow off my lunch time workout for a trip to DQ and to pick up my husband's glasses.  No workout time tonight = no workout today + chicken sandwich of the gods = guilt that I am not focusing on the get skinny plan.

Not focusing on the get skinny plan + still hating my job = me, not happy.

Something in this cycle needs to change.

I saw one of my friends post on FB today the three C's of life.  Choice, change, chance. 
If you make a choice to change you've got a chance at being more.

I think they forgot to add in the Chicken variable... fuck.

Really?

So, here's the rant of the day -

It pisses me off that I hate my job.
It pisses me off that I can't quite figure out a plan of escape.
It pisses me off when thin people tell me what I should do to be "healthy" while they carry a bag of fast food past me.
It pisses me off that I feel underappreciated.
It pisses me off that I am bored.

I wish that I was happy right now.  I wish I knew what I need to do to be happy.

I need a plan.

New Year, new me?

Every new year I tell myself I will refuse to make resolutions (they are always the same anyway). 

Eat healthy
Get some exercise
Stop smoking

And almost, as if the fates were trying to tell me something, I hear a report on NPR this morning talking about behaviors.. and why it is so difficult to make resolutions that stick without changing your behaviors.  One of the tricks to help you change your behavior (and keep your resolutions) was to change your environment.  Apparently there are triggers that our subconscious mind attaches to your environment that triggers certain behaviors.  For all the smokers in the room - read, coffee = cig or eat food, then smoke.  These triggers are so powerful that in essence, you are on autopilot. 

The trick then, is to force yourself off of autopilot.  Tough to do.  I've been thinking about this all day and I've decided that my NEW, new years resolution is going to try to live a deliberate life.  A life where I am NOT on autopilot.  A life I choose to live, not a life that chooses me. 

So, for the first of the year I resolve the following:

I will not live on autopilot.  I will live consciously.