Seriously -

I think I should start weighing myself on Fridays... I like those numbers much better.

This morning, 217.6.  Last Friday - 214.

So, what happened this weekend, huh?  No idea.  It is true that I ate more than 1400 calories per day.  In fact, it looks like when you add in the weekend, I averaged about 1559 calories a day for the week.  Saturday and Sunday I posted some big numbers - Sat. 1669, Sun. 2424.

I'm just beside myself and feel like an absolute failure.  The first week I felt like I was starving myself at 1440 calories/avg. per day.  So, increasing it just a bit I didn't think I was going to see such a huge gain. 

I really want to believe in the calorie counting thing.  It's logical and makes sense to me - it just doesn't seem to be working. 

I resolve to continue this experiment for 2 more weeks and then see where I am.  If all else fails - it's back to Atkins... and I so don't want to do that.

Monday weigh in

So, mission accomplished.

I didn't do the measuring tape but according to the scale I was down 6lbs this week. 

I was very adamant about everything I chose to eat this past week and although I know it was alot of water weight it still feels good.

After about 3 days of anything you can re-set your normal.  I'm hoping that after about 3 weeks of REALLY trying I will have a better understanding of how my body and my metabolism are reacting to this drastic cut in calories.

So, again, for right now... I chalk last week up to success.

is it working or is it water?

Sometimes I think I am totally in touch with my body and I believe that I actually understand how it works. 

Other times, I realize I am being fooled by the food sorcerer known as Salt.  At least I think that's his name.

It's Saturday - and after one week of really trying.. I mean no cheating, no rationalizing, no nothing.. I stuck to the damn plan and this morning I'm down 7 pounds.  WHAT???  This simply defies logic.  Now I will grant you according to the math I should definitely be down.  I've been averaging about 1400 calories a day with some obscenely low days thrown in there because I got busy and wanted to see what would happen. 

My BMR says I should be churning through about 2845 based on my height and weight so I get that I should be down.... but 7.  Shit - you know what that means... a rebound is headed my way.  I would love to enjoy the moment, but I know it's bullshit.  Sorcerer Salt and his witch Flo just did the deed and these big numbers are water. 

I'm thrilled and curious about this big loss but in the back of my mind I can't make it right.  It's not logical, and therefore..  probably not right.

Skinny people really do eat less

Note to self -

Thin people really do choose to eat less than fat people.

Just sayin'.

Dropping my basket

Sometimes - you just "drop your basket".  For the uninitiated, dropping your basket is a reference to a moment in your life when you can no longer hold your emotions in check.  It's the moment when all of your rationalizing, all of your resources and all of your function just isn't enough to plow through.  It's the early morning haze that you can't cut through that usually leads to some kind of catharsis or at a minimum a moment of clarity and calm.

On Thursday night - I dropped my basket.

After travelling to Las Vegas for a few days I was back at home, back at work and back to reality.  As I was walking through the casinos I had all kinds of thoughts that I had no where to put so my theory is I finally put it all together in a 5 layer cake of despair by Thursday.  On Thursday night - I added the frosting when I turned on a new A & E show called Heavy.  The plot line runs parallel to the Biggest Loser, less the commercialism etc.  I thought watching this program might be just enough to get me back on task regarding the eating binge... what it did was start a dialogue with my husband. 

Now even in the best of times, my husband and I view the world a little differently.  That night he forced me to defend myself and say out loud a few things that had been simmering under the surface for months.

1. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time and energy obsessing about the weight issue.
2. I have the knowledge necessary to correct what I percieve as my "eating disorder".
3. I continually make concious choices to avoid the work of losing weight.

Here's a few things I know for certain. 
I make those choices because somewhere in my psyche I know that I don't look or feel that terrible about myself...

As a test - I would like to see what would actually happen if I really did try.

Chinese Food for lunch -

In honor of the Chinese New Year - I had to stop by my favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch today.

Yes, it's the year of the rabbit.  I am apparently a pig.  Really... no shit.  I've heard some people refer to my birth year as the year of the boar in an effort to make it sound - oh, I don't know - not so bad.  Are you kidding, I'm a pig?  Hmmmm - let's look at what THAT is supposed to mean.

According to the descriptions:
People born in the Year of the Pig are chivalrous and gallant. Whatever they do, they do with all their strength. For Boar Year people, there is no left or right and there is no retreat. They have tremendous fortitude and great honesty. They don't make many friends but they make them for life, and anyone having a Boar Year friend is fortunate for they are extremely loyal. They don't talk much but have a great thirst for knowledge. They study a great deal and are generally well informed. Boar people are quick tempered, yet they hate arguments and quarreling. They are kind to their loved ones. No matter how bad problems seem to be, Boar people try to work them out, honestly if sometimes impulsively. They are most compatible with Rabbits and Sheep.

I guess that all sounds pretty good but what I can tell you for sure is that I can make a serious pig out of myself when the spicy Happy Family comes to the table.  I ate every last bit of my lunch including the crab rangoon, the salad and the damn egg roll.  When I added the whole kit and caboodle up I was looking at about 1000 calorie lunch! 

I keep telling myself that once the weather breaks here in the midwest I will be able to better focus on putting some outdoor exercise back into the plan - but, I gotta wonder what is really holding me back.  There is no stopping me.  Eat one chocolate cookie - I'm going to eat 4.  Have one crab rangoon - bring on 3 (minimum).   Can I blame my inability to focus on my pig sign.... nope. Sorry. No can do.

A wasted month -

Well, I could absolutely scream.

I chose not to even post anything yesterday because I needed a day to work out in my head where I am failing myself.

Monday stats:
Weight - (back up to - 221)
waist - 41
hips - 51

OK.  Now, before I over-react let's work this one through. 

Apparently, it makes absolute and complete sense that I didn't lose a damn pound after an entire month yo-yo dieting (should we call it cycling? - I suppose that is another post)

Anyway - back to the math here.  According to my charts on www.FatSecret.com I should be down 5.5 lbs.  This of course is predicated by the fact that the computer assumes a certain amount of calories as expenditures or exercise.  And, a certain amount of calories that you enter into the system.  Clearly - this system is wrong. 

Follow the logic here -
a. I account for every morsel that crosses my lips.  Calorie intake is true
b. I let the computer account for the METs I am supposedly using on the exercise quotient.  Exercise must then be false.
c. I should check to see what kind of calories I'm really burning...

So, I did. 
Between cheating on the food side (my average calories per day for January were 2009)
And the computer saying my base exercise is 2380.
I'm stagnant. 

Time to step it up a notch.  I'm going to use a new formula.  I'm going to stick to calories. 

More on this to follow....