Part of what makes my life so interesting is the cast of characters I have surrounded myself with.
I have a group of people I know and love, a group of people I know, and a group of people I do not love. I still haven't decided if any of the them will ever know about my little secret corner of the world and/or if they would ever admit to reading it but the truth is often stranger than fiction, yo. Time to get realz up in this bitch... (from a 41 year old white girl, right?)
These people are NOT the kind of folks who would want me to use their names... particularly since I am still hiding behind a makeshift veil myself (and yes, I know if you tried hard enough.. blah, blah, blah but do you really care - no... didn't think so).
So I can keep it straight in my own head - there are some peeps I've decided I am going to start including in my tales.
Billy Brain - exactly that: calm, collected, smarter than me and one of the besties
Lilly Diva - former prom queen and purse lover, one of the besties
Shrilly Jane - rock solid as they come, grounded truth teller, one of the besties
the husband - self explanatory
#1 - he's the oldest. 16, 6'1" and snarky as his mother
the little one - he's not really little (at all) - 14, 5'7 and growing, 200lbs of fun
I suppose part of the reason I need to lay all this out is so I can get to the real bit here which is the weight watchers story. JESUS CHRIST... WTH. Why in the name of all that is holy did I join up with these fuckers again. I am so annoyed I don't even know where to begin.. oh, wait, yes I do. I blame Lilly.
Here's the thing. My adorable friend Lilly used to be smokin' hot by Midwestern Ohio (1987) standards. Then she got married, and pregnant and divorced and 44 and flipped her shit. She weighed in just under the big 2 and decided she was joining weight watchers "FOR REAL" this time. And... because I am the greatest friend in the world - I was joining with her.
I should have known this was going to piss me off.
I am not a weight watchers rookie. Not by a long shot. This would be.... oh, let's see... weight watchers round 4? Maybe round 5? Clearly I do not like nor believe in their low fat, semi-starvation bullshit. I absolutely hate everything about being underfed, losing a pound a week and slowing my metabolism down to 1400 calorie a day diet.... No, excuse me "lifestyle" program.
But - if Lilly needed me to do this with her - who knows.. maybe this time it will work. Maybe this time I will take it seriously... not cheat or stretch or do anything other than follow their program to the letter and I will wake up a year from now down somewhere between 26 and 104 lbs lighter. (.5-2 lbs a week, right?)
So - week one comes and goes. I'm down nearly 4 lbs. - there goes the water weight
Week 2 - down 1
Week 3 - and this is where I am reminded of why I hate weight watchers... up .6. Here is the the thing - I ate EXACTLY what they told me to eat. I exercised more than they told me to exercise. I did not touch or use my "extra" points. I drank the water, I ate the vegetables, nay a sugary snack crossed these pursed and anticipatory lips. And I gained. And my leader (more on this bitch later) tells me... seriously... "sometimes that just happens". I could have pinned her sloppy skinny to the wall (again - sloppy skinny is it's own post)
So, like any self respecting weight watchers cult member I chalk it up to a "weird" thing and buck up.
Week 4 - do exactly the same thing as week 3 - but no exercise. Lose two pounds.
We are now several weeks into the program and I am getting more and more annoyed...
Down .6, Up 1.6, Down .6 and on, and on, and on until I am sitting at 10 lbs down.
I know they tell me that this is a slow process and part of me really wants to believe in their science. But like all things, there is a lot of other nutrition research out there and I'm not convinced. My biggest issue is that weight watchers will not be forthcoming about their formula. I want the science of why certain things are certain points. I want a damn explanation. I do not need placated with a super simple mantra. I am not a sheep nor am I stupid.
Let's be clear. Weight Watchers is a multi-million dollar business. They are in business to make money. In order to make money you have to sell something that people want. Weight Watchers sells hope and pre-packaged foods that leave you hungry and wanting more pre-packaged foods. They actually make you sign off on a piece of paper when you join that says... get this, "we do not guarantee any weight loss".
I signed the damn paper. Does everyone know what a crock of shit these people are peddling? And, why do we all sign the paper and send them over $40 a month. I knew I couldn't be the only one who thinks this is crap right? Turns out I am not -
Check out this article on the percentages - who is really losing weight?
Or any number of folks who used the program and then gained it all back??? Lifestyle change my ass - it's a starvation diet that ends when you hit some magic goal weight. You don't change your lifestyle... you simply change it until you "win" and then you go back to who you really are (perhaps a bit more moderated).
I promised Lilly I would do this with her for one year. Honestly, I am already starting to lose my motivation but I don't want her to get disappointed and quit. Maybe this will work for her. Maybe this will work for me. I think we are already beautiful.
