Does it really hurt THAT BAD?

I hate people who create situations in an effort to set themselves apart.


Yes, I used the word hate.
Yes, that's a roundabout way of getting to my point.


Like every woman I know, I've got my own series "used-to-be's" that I can claim as my own.   "I used to be a basketball star in high school." Or "I used to be funny." Add to that list - "I used to be an aerobics instructor."  Which - by the way is 100% true. 


I came into the aerobics thing the usual way and although I was very good at it I ended up going back to work full time and between the job, and my kids I didn't have a couple of hours a day to hang out at the gym.  I truly and sincerely miss it.  I mean I REALLY got into it.  I got the certifications, I ran the department, I still see women who were in my classes who wonder if I will ever teach again.  I rocked that job. 


As a certified personal trainer I met with all kinds of women who were looking to accomplish any number of things.  Of course, 90% of them were all looking for the golden nugget of exercise that would get rid of their baby pouch, or inner thighs or back arm waddle.  I did my best to explain to them that they never really would until they dropped the extra fat surrounding the muscle that they were trying to strengthen.  That being said, I still worked them through their paces and did my best to get them to feel better about themselves... all the while carrying an extra 50lbs myself and struggling to follow my own advice.


The one thing I could never understand however and still can't get a handle is weakness.  "I just can't do that because I have bad knees."  Or, my favorite - "I can't run/walk/move because I get shin splints/a sore back/pain my muscles"- AAAHHHH!!!        


SHUT-UP.


You get bad knees, shin splints, sore backs and pain precisely because you don't exercise.  Your sedentary bullshit has weakened all the muscles that help those joints move.  Granted, I concede that people may have disease or acute pain that can be accommodated for during exercise.  There are ways around virtually any exercise induced stresses - it's called changing the exercise! Not - choosing not to participate.

Eagle dream... hope for a new day?

So, normally I don't put too much stock in my dreams.  I think that usually my dreams are average, data sorting kinds of dreams where I reset everything and get ready for a new day.

Sometimes though, the dreams are very vivid and extremely clear.  I remember distinct parts or feelings that are associated with the dream when I wake up and anytime I wake up remembering a dream - I guess I assume those are the ones I should pay attention to. 

There should have been no logical reason why I had this particular dream on this particular night but a few nights ago I woke in the morning having seen an eagle.  I hadn't been watching or reading about eagles, or the wilderness or even government (yeah, that last one is stretch - but...)

I was in an airplane and quite content looking out at the clouds and the sky from my coach seat.  I don't think the coach seat means much other than I've always wanted to fly first class just once.  Anyway - I was looking at the clouds and the colors and was feeling quite content when I notice and eagle flying straight toward my window.  Never mind we were 30,000 feet up - this eagle was soaring straight at my window.  He started as a pinprick and kept getting closer.  I felt inspired and in the dream was happy to be witnessing this beautiful bird soaring straight at me so I could get a closer look.  I was enthusiastic about the fact that you sometimes forget how beautiful the eagle is and just when I decided "yeah, eagles are really awesome birds" I got scared.  The eagle was getting closer and I was really worried because I thought it was going to hit the plane and die.  It was very close now and at the last minute it veered off.  I didn't see it again but I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew the bird had flown away from the plane and would be fine.

When I woke up I remembered all of this quite clearly.  It was days ago when I had this dream and I can still see it in my minds eye.  The pinks and blues of the sky, the eagle, the veering off.

So - I thought I should probably do a little follow up on this one.  This was definitely not a left brain analytical.  This was my right brain trying to tell me something.  Good or bad, I wanted to know.

Apparently - there are a couple of different ways to look at this... but here is what I found:

Eagle Dream Meaning
Psychological Meaning: The eagle is a powerful bird that may represent a powerful intellectual or spiritual abilities. For a Christian it may represent John the Evangelist and for an American it may be a symbol of your country.
Mystical Meaning: Early man considered eagles to be messengers from Sun god. In your dreams, it may be a messenger from your unconscious. Mythology often has stories of the eagle and the lion or the eagle and the snake. These stories are dream symbols that represent psychological opposites such as spiritual/animal, male/female, conscious/ unconscious and thought/instinct. Superstition says that to dream of an eagle is an omen for fame and fortune.

or this:

Eagle
Carl Jung said that birds represent thoughts while birds in flight symbolize moving and changing thoughts. Birds are generally associated with freedom and abandon. In old dream interpretation books, birds are considered lucky omens. Doves and eagles are generally spiritual symbols. Your dream depends on its details, but if the birds in your dream were flying free, it may be symbolic of spiritual, psychological, or physical freedom.

or this:

Eagles
To see one soaring above you, interpret lofty ambitions which you will struggle fiercely to realize, nevertheless you will gain your desires.

So.... I say yeah!  It's hard to decide which one of these I like the best and usually I've got more than one plan cooking at a time.  But, if there's any truth to any of this and if it has anything to do with my get skinny plan, there may still be hope for a new day.

Trouble already -

This is supposed to simple.  Math is math and numbers are numbers so I'm already pissed off and anxious that my calculations are not working how they are supposed to.


Here's the stats.
219.2
waist, no measure
hips, no measure
(it was freezing in my house today, and I forgot)


All of that notwithstanding, talk me through this.
One pound equals 3500 kcal. 
So - if you create a calorie defecit of 3500 you should lose one pound.


The problem is, according to my food and exercise records I should be down 4.5 and I'm only down 2.


Of course (again, math is math) then you've got to assume the obvious.  Either I am undercounting my calories or overestimating my exercise.  I swear I am not.  In fact, I default to the opposite.  I always overestimate the food.  I add in everything - I mean everything - the ketchup, the butter, the two bites of bread... all of it.  I absolutely do not forget or cheat.  I want to know if this is going to work.  So, could it be the exercise... no.  I default to absolutely sedentary even though I am not.


What the hell?  Super frustrated and annoyed and I'm only one month in.  If I don't knock off three pounds by the end of the month I'm already off target.  Shit, shit and shit again... should I shoot for a starvation diet just to get this thing going?


Damn it.

So, what's the deal with the shoes?

Fat girls approach shoes like skinny women look at... well, every other thing in their closet.

At 39, I've spent my life moving through groups of very good friends.  There's the high school group, the college group, the young mom group, the career group.  These groups of women have always been there for me and they're part of what made me who I am.  They have also always been smaller than me.  Thinner, feminine and sometimes downright girly. 

So, for years, there has always been that moment when you find yourself with nothing to do but go "shopping" with your girlfriends.  This can be devastating... unless you find the shoe department. 

The plain truth is a fat girl can always buy shoes.  She can buy purses, accessories, scarves and makeup too... but even a cheap pair of cute shoes can turn a shopping trip with your girlfriends around. 

Now don't get me wrong.  My lovely (and little) friends make it a priority to get me to the fat lady section of major department stores and faun all over me in those "plus size" stores.  But it sucks.  I mean really sucks- that they have to do that.   And that is when they start to get a small taste of what it's like to walk in my shoes.  At these stores they shop for accessories, and scarves and... shoes.

So this journey is a bit about never having to buy shoes again.  Just one time in my life I would like to be able to walk into any store and treat myself to something right off the rack - in my size - in the regular sized clothing area.  Not the plus size department, buried at the back of the store... far away from the action... far away from life.  This year, I would like to end up average - and believe me, I never thought I would say that out loud.

The Stats

So here's the stats.
In January of 2010 I started off the year at 244. I was every bit of a size 22.
I spent 2010 running a bit and focusing on organic eating sprinkled with major binges and months of inactivity.  All told - I ended up the year at 221. (down 23 - not even 10% of my body weight - shit)

Fast forward to January of 2011.  The jumping off point here is 221.  I'm wearing a size 18.  My waist size is a 41 and my hips a 52. 

I'm going to post these three stats every Monday. 

Here's the plan. 
My goal is to lose 5 lbs a month every month with the deadline November 30, 2011.  My 40th birthday.
If successful I will be 166 on my 40th and I'm here to tell you I haven't seen 166 since I was about 18.

Simple, right?

- and, so it begins

There are a few things that are true.

Fat girls always love shoes.  Fat girls really do have to try harder.  Fat girls look at the world a little differently.

I used to not care too much about being a fat girl but that was before I checked the calendar, checked my life and realized the clock was ticking....

Although I've tried this time and time again - this round I am holding myself responsible for all the mistakes and the triumphs. This will be my last ditch effort at safe, ongoing, healthy weight loss. 

If you're reading this - I'm not sure how you got here, but welcome. 

I'm doing this for me (but enjoy the ride.)