Monday, July 7, 2014

I fucking hate skinny people... it's a problem

So there are folks that are prejudiced - and folks who are racist.

I never thought I was either of those things... but, the older I get, the more raw and nasty I get over people who are thin.  I could seriously give a rat's ass about the color of your skin or who you sleep with or your age or your ethnicity or anything else you would like to use to define yourself.

EXCEPT - skinny people.

I don't care if you work out.
I don't care if you obsess over your carbs, your protein intake, your calorie count, your fitness level, your weight or your BMI... go ahead (it's my hobby too)

But if you are thin - I have noticed that over the years - I have gotten worse.  

I dislike you on principle alone.  Here in the good 'ole USA, your life has been easier than mine. And I am god-damned jealous.

I hate that you can shop in any store and pay less for your clothes.
I hate that you don't elicit the scorn and ridicule of others based on your size alone.
I hate that you have never had to wonder if you are going to break the furniture.
I hate that you have never had to wonder if you are even going to fit in the seat.
I hate that you can dance without reserve and without knowing you are the object of ridicule.
I hate that you can go to the beach without being stared at.
I hate that you can talk about "your fat thighs and your fat ass" in a satirical way because at the end of the day you still wear a size 6.

I fucking hate you and your magical, made up bullshit drama over what dress will fit. (They will all fit dumb ass)
I hate that you think you have flabby arms.
I hate that you think your life really sucks because you "just can't" turn over and tan your ass at the country club pool.
I hate that you could choose to wear designer dresses and I can't because they don't even make them in size.
I hate that I have lost opportunities in this world to people who were thinner than me.
I hate having to pretend that I give a shit about your new diet.

I hate that I am bound both emotionally and physically to beauty ideal that I can not easily achieve.

Time on this earth is limited.  What I do with that time says volumes.  I can make myself happy with food or I can choose not to.    If food is love in my family - and it is - I feel trapped.

I have an unhealthy relationship with my body and food.
I am not a special flower.  I am one if a field of American women who are completely and totally fucked up when it comes to body image and food.  Do you need proof?  Look at the diet and exercise business...  (it might was well be the industrial-military complex).  Hundreds of millions of dollars made off the backs of average women with a sickness.  

I hate skinny people.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

awwww snap...

Everytime I tell myself I am going to shut this darn thing down - I don't. I'm not exactly sure what that's all about but as it stands - there is more kvetching to be done.

It's a new year and my obsessions are the same.
yo yo dieting - "my new hobby!"
exercise - "woo hoo - when do I get my damn fit bit flex?"
the kids - "college planning... do I have a role here?"
my job - "just as stupid as ever.  I officially think I am lazy now"

So - some snappy updates, eh?   Alrighty then -

Went off WW in August and jumped on the LC bandwagon.  LOVED it!  Went from 207 to 195 in about 2 months.  Got as low as 193 and was feelin' great. Then  -  completely ate whatever the hell I wanted from the middle of November through January 1st and ended up at 211.  (apparently I keep circling 205, eh?)  So - new year, same story.  Back in the saddle.  

In other news.  I think I quit smoking.  It started simply enough with me missing an entire day because there was no way/space/time to smoke at the Ohio State game.  So - after 24 hours with no cigarette... I just kept adding days until I was over the hump.  I can't say I am permanently quit because I had a couple over the course of the past couple of months.  But since I consider this a success, I am going to get my teeth  whitened (I wonder how much that costs?).

Some other things..
1. I ran for school board.  I lost.  It sucked.
2. I'm worried about my Dad's health
3. I think I need to have sex with my husband more
4. My friends are falling away from me.  This also sucks.

I'm back to reading other people's blogs.  My guilty pleasure... spying - in plain sight.

I feel like this blog should have some kind of direction but I honestly couldn't say what it could be.  There's all sorts of bloggers out there taking food pictures and running pictures and writing snarky odes to everything under the sun... but at the end of the day, I just have a ton of thoughts about a ton of things with no funnel and no friends to whine to so instead of saving them up I'm going to try to get them all out - again.


Thursday, August 29, 2013

Weight Watchers can kiss my ass

OK... so it is finally over.

I tried, I swear I tried.  Although I promised my friend I would stick with her for a year.  We got 7 months in and have decided to call it quits.  The WW experiment is officially over.  What a train wreck.  After 7 months of counting points, at the end of the day I lost 20 lbs.  I guess I should be happy but when I look at the math on this thing I want to throw up.  I spent $315 to lose 19.6 lbs while all the while berating myself mentally for minor failures and infractions... (i.e. - I ate 2000 calories in one day).  Absolutely NOT emotionally healthy. 

To be honest it was me who kept holding Lilly's feet to the fire.  I really wanted her to do the full year so I would never - NEVER - never have to hold her hand through weight watchers again. She kept wanting to quit.  Now - it's officially off my list.  Never again will I pay to play their games.  My girlfriend ended up losing 25 lbs and gaining 5 of it back immediately after she went "off program".  This... was to be expected.  This... was exactly what I told her would happen.  This was exactly why it's a bullshit waste of time.

On the plus side - I have a new exercise partner.  Somehow over the course of these 7 months, Lilly decided that exercise was cool.  I've always gone to the gym.  I started running again....  I take Zumba classes and spinning.  And now... I have a friend who wants to come with me.  So I'm happy about that.

I thought long and hard about disintegrating this blog but for whatever reason, when I logged in to make it go away I started typing so it lives again.  Not exactly sure how I will feel about it tomorrow... guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Since it does however happen to be Thursday - here's  few things that are currently biting my ass.

My son's new high school principal is a prick.  This sucks.

My other son is back from Europe and would be happy if his fucktard of a band instructor wasn't trying to dock him points for missing marching band practice over the summer.  It was summer asshole.. and his 3 weeks in Europe sure as shit taught him more than two weeks carrying a snare drum.  This will be another argument at the school later this month before grades come out.

I'm 7 weeks in to a bathroom remodel that was supposed to take 3.  I am showering in the basement in a make-shift shower with no heat.  Meanwhile, the contractor has moved on to another bigger project across town while we wait for the tile guy and the granite guy to do their thing.  I'm guessing it will be done by October.

I started Atkins on my own last week and I am perilously close to seeing the south side of 200 in the next month or so.  That will be cool.

Other things that I don't have time to write about now but want to:

Skinny fat or sloppy skinny -
American elitism - think Mike

'till later... whenever that may be.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Why weight watchers is bullshit, but I can't stop

Part of what makes my life so interesting is the cast of characters I have surrounded myself with.

I have a group of people I know and love, a group of people I know, and a group of people I do not love.  I still haven't decided if any of the them will ever know about my little secret corner of the world and/or if they would ever admit to reading it but the truth is often stranger than fiction, yo.  Time to get realz up in this bitch...  (from a 41 year old white girl, right?)

These people are NOT the kind of folks who would want me to use their names... particularly since I am still hiding behind a makeshift veil myself  (and yes, I know if you tried hard enough.. blah, blah, blah but do you really care - no... didn't think so).

So I can keep it straight in my own head - there are some peeps I've decided I am going to start including in my tales.

Billy Brain - exactly that: calm, collected, smarter than me and one of the besties
Lilly Diva - former prom queen and purse lover, one of the besties
Shrilly Jane - rock solid as they come, grounded truth teller, one of the besties

the husband - self explanatory
#1  - he's the oldest.  16, 6'1" and snarky as his mother
the little one - he's not really little (at all) - 14,  5'7 and growing, 200lbs of fun 

I suppose part of the reason I need to lay all this out is so I can get to the real bit here which is the weight watchers story.  JESUS CHRIST... WTH.  Why in the name of all that is holy did I join up with these fuckers again.  I am so annoyed I don't even know where to begin.. oh, wait, yes I do.  I blame Lilly.

Here's the thing.  My adorable friend Lilly used to be smokin' hot by Midwestern Ohio (1987) standards. Then she got married, and pregnant and divorced and 44 and flipped her shit.  She weighed in just under the big 2 and decided she was joining weight watchers "FOR REAL" this time.  And... because I am the greatest friend in the world - I was joining with her. 

I should have known this was going to piss me off.

I am not a weight watchers rookie.  Not by a long shot.  This would be.... oh, let's see... weight watchers round 4?  Maybe round 5?  Clearly I do not like nor believe in their low fat, semi-starvation bullshit.  I absolutely hate everything about being underfed, losing a pound a week and slowing my metabolism down to 1400 calorie a day diet....  No, excuse me "lifestyle" program.  

But - if Lilly needed me to do this with her - who knows.. maybe this time it will work.  Maybe this time I will take it seriously... not cheat or stretch or do anything other than follow their program to the letter and I will wake up a year from now down somewhere between 26 and 104 lbs lighter.  (.5-2 lbs a week, right?)

So - week one comes and goes.  I'm down nearly 4 lbs. - there goes the water weight
Week 2 - down 1
Week 3 - and this is where I am reminded of why I hate weight watchers... up .6.   Here is the the thing - I ate EXACTLY what they told me to eat.  I exercised more than they told me to exercise.  I did not touch or use my "extra" points.  I drank the water, I ate the vegetables, nay a sugary snack crossed these pursed and anticipatory lips.   And I gained.   And my leader (more on this bitch later) tells me... seriously... "sometimes that just happens".   I could have pinned her sloppy skinny to the wall (again - sloppy skinny is it's own post)
So, like any self respecting weight watchers cult member I chalk it up to a "weird" thing and buck up.  
Week 4 - do exactly the same thing as week 3 - but no exercise.  Lose two pounds.

We are now several weeks into the program and I am getting more and more annoyed...
Down .6, Up 1.6, Down .6 and on, and on, and on until I am sitting at 10 lbs down.  

I know they tell me that this is a slow process and part of me really wants to believe in their science.  But like all things, there is a lot of other nutrition research out there and I'm not convinced.  My biggest issue is that weight watchers will not be forthcoming about their formula.  I want the science of why certain things are certain points.  I want a damn explanation. I do not need placated with a super simple mantra.  I am not a sheep nor am I stupid. 

Let's be clear.  Weight Watchers is a multi-million dollar business.  They are in business to make money.  In order to make money you have to sell something that people want.  Weight Watchers sells hope and pre-packaged foods that leave you hungry and wanting more pre-packaged foods.  They actually make you sign off on a piece of paper when you join that says... get this, "we do not guarantee any weight loss".  

I signed the damn paper.  Does everyone know what a crock of shit these people are peddling?  And, why do we all sign the paper and send them over $40 a month.  I knew I couldn't be the only one who thinks this is crap right?  Turns out I am not - 

Check out this article on the percentages - who is really losing weight?

Or any number of folks who used the program and then gained it all back???  Lifestyle change my ass - it's a starvation diet that ends when you hit some magic goal weight.  You don't change your lifestyle... you simply change it until you "win" and then you go back to who you really are (perhaps a bit more moderated).

I promised Lilly I would do this with her for one year.  Honestly, I am already starting to lose my motivation but I don't want her to get disappointed and quit.  Maybe this will work for her. Maybe this will work for me.  I think we are already beautiful. 


Monday, January 7, 2013

Back in the saddle...

New year, right? 

Alrighty then - let me just dust off last year's list of resolutions and re-pin those back up on my rear view mirror.

The random act of kindness thing went off without a hitch.  I ended up passing out candy canes with lottery tickets attached to folks I saw everywhere.  Most of them gave me strange looks expecting there to be some kind of holy roller message attached.  I was particularly happy to see their smiles change when they realized I wasn't asking them for, or to do anything other than be a good person.   Shit, just get yourself an alter ego and go bitch on the internets... but in real life - don't be an ass.

So - how's about some bitching:

Joined the WW wagon again today.  Are you kidding me? $42.00 a month? Shut the front door... that's a lot of money to have someone tell me everything I already know but simply choose not to do.  I solemnly swear I will listen to what they tell and do what they say.. SWEAR. (for at least three months until I go to Mexico)

Still can't stand my job - BORING.  If you are middle aged and middle income and showing up at a job for insurance does that mean you've given up on life?  Damn, that's what I thought... may need to look at that.

Went out for New Years with some friends.  It was horrible.  At some point you need to hang up your headphones and know that you are not a good DJ.  Food was good.  Friends were campy as ever.  DJ - totally sucked.

Cool things - 
Got a beautiful new car for Christmas.  My husband did NOT suck this Christmas.
Did not get into an argument with my brother over the holidays even though I really wanted to jack him in the schnoz for a few things he let his kids get away with.
House is clean (ish).
Laundry is done.
Nails are done.

Woo hoo - bring on 2013.

Friday, December 7, 2012

RAK'd and other musings..

Time flies when you're surfing the web ...

I swear it is way more fun to do flying leap into infinity when you simply find a link.. then another.. and then another and before you know what you've done you are reading about butt acorns used to smuggle information from the Confederacy to its soldiers in the Civil War (why yes, I HEART you Smithsonian magazine)

So the bullet points -

I rang in my birthday at 218 pounds... translation?  If I stop working out and continue eating muffins and drinking beer for a year I will gain 15 pounds.  Sounds about right.  (I really like beer.... and muffins)

I ran for school board.  I find out in a few days if I got the gig.  I better have got the gig.  They need me.

I wrapped up Thanksgiving with an end zone run on Black Friday.  I dig on BF.   It's competitive shopping and (as with most things) I'm a bit competitive.  If it's easy - I probably will get bored.  Black Friday ups the ante a bit.  You gotta want to save $25 bitches...

Which brings me to Christmas.  I may suck at a lot of things all year but when it comes to Christmas, I got game.  Seriously.  Decorating, cooking, gifting... I love it all.  I love the music, and the sentiment and the colors and the lights.  Secular (maybe) but I think we can all agree that it is a GOOD thing to be nice to one another.   So... I'm trying something new this year.

Every day for the month of December I am doing one Random Act of Kindness.  So far, so good.  It can be a small thing but I am trying to make sure that the person I help is not someone I know.  I thought about making a list of the things I was doing but that seemingly violates the whole "random" thing from a different angle.    So...

I'm still big (my fat pants are tight)
I've offered to help in my community
I'm RAK'ing (random act of kindness) people daily

Christmas is about more than what can I get... it's about what you can give.

Do something nice out there - pay it forward...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I still heart radio...

Sometimes you forget who you are...

So I may be a little late to the party but I am totally loving I Heart Radio.  O.k. first of all,  lets agree it is the stupidest name ever.  Once you get over the complete weirdness of saying "I found it on I Heart Radio" you can get to the business end of some really rockin' radio stations.

For as long as I can remember, I was one of those chicks who grew up recording my favorite songs off the radio... waiting for the exact right moment when it started... diving across my bedroom floor and hitting record on my "boom box" and dancing around my room like the Solid Gold Dancers.  Yes, - I had legwarmers and.. yes, they matched my damn sweater. 

Fast forward to karaoke (minus the machine) with the radio on in the background and my girlfriends and I singing into an assortment of hairbrushes, perfume bottles and deodorant.  That really did happen.

One more leap in time and you are the girlfriend of the drummer.  You roll with ripped up stockings and the rest of the band.  You sit on the side of the stage... you drink and laugh and think it all may come to something - but it doesn't.

But my true love... the thing that makes me smile every. damned. time.  is college radio.  It's a little bit like the difference between the NFL and college football.  College radio still gives a shit.  They play all sorts of new music and the best of the old.  The DJ's make mistakes... they talk like I talk.  There's usually not much in the way of commercials.  I LOVE college radio. (and I've missed it for far too long)

Back in the day (20 years ago)  I had a professor who used to play the organ in a rock band in the 60's.  He was a train wreck of a professor but he used to let us smoke in our radio studio so we loved him.  We were all sitting around drinking coffee and bitching about having to grow up and get real jobs in radio and TV when he delivers one of  "truths" - "radio is a hot medium, TV is cold - I would rather be hot".   Bring on the tropical drinks Dr. Whaley.  I'm with you.  Radio wakes up your senses - music will move you.  

I do, indeed heart radio. I forgot that for a few years... but, I'm back.