Whether you've actually seen the Twilight movies or not - you may have seen the trailer where Edward looks at Bella and says.. "you are my own special brand of heroin."
And that my dears... is my relationship with food.
I love it. I need it. I think about it hundreds of times a day.
What am I going to eat? When? Where? With who?
I eat when I'm happy, confused, depressed, hungry, not hungry, anxious, sick, bored and busy.
I love healthy food, bad food, restaurants, food trucks, eating at home, eating at parties and everything in between.
The trouble is - when you are addicted to the one thing that has the propensity to kill you it's hard to know when to stop.
My entire life revolves around food. I exercise so I can have an excuse to feed my demon. When I don't, I feed the fucker anyway and then bitch when my jeans are too tight. I justify my menu because I believe I deserve to have some happiness.
I play games with myself and my diet depending on my mood of the minute/hour/day/month.
I am so very tired of cutting deals with myself over my obsession with food.
I am tired and don't want to think about it anymore.... except that I am in love with her... my demon... and I don't know how to just eat enough to survive instead of enough to sooth my soul.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Pigtails on women are silly
Stop the madness!
If you are over 40, nay 20 - there is no reason I can understand why you would ever need or choose to wear your hair in pigtails or, better yet, braided pigtails.
Truly, help me understand. I get that you went to a few Grateful Dead shows in college... tried to follow Phish but decided that was a far stretch from the real thing.. and finally, gave up and turned to some "cat fish blue" on the weekends.
I get that you love healthy, sustainable, organic agriculture. I appreciate that you still own and buy Birkenstocks. I realize you still have a jingly ankle bracelet in your jewelry box, an old Guatemalan pouch filled with shake from about 15 years ago and your tarot cards upstairs wrapped in a silk scarf. (oh, wait, is that just me??)
But, why - in the name of Jerry and the boys- do you need pigtails? Oh.. and a pioneer woman scarf? I little babushka feel, really.
I can rock an old school hippie vibe with my hair pulled back in a simple ponytail.
Just sayin...
If you are over 40, nay 20 - there is no reason I can understand why you would ever need or choose to wear your hair in pigtails or, better yet, braided pigtails.
Truly, help me understand. I get that you went to a few Grateful Dead shows in college... tried to follow Phish but decided that was a far stretch from the real thing.. and finally, gave up and turned to some "cat fish blue" on the weekends.
I get that you love healthy, sustainable, organic agriculture. I appreciate that you still own and buy Birkenstocks. I realize you still have a jingly ankle bracelet in your jewelry box, an old Guatemalan pouch filled with shake from about 15 years ago and your tarot cards upstairs wrapped in a silk scarf. (oh, wait, is that just me??)
But, why - in the name of Jerry and the boys- do you need pigtails? Oh.. and a pioneer woman scarf? I little babushka feel, really.
I can rock an old school hippie vibe with my hair pulled back in a simple ponytail.
Just sayin...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Washing walls
Who in the hell washes their walls?
Left to my own devices I would drink beer and listen to country music while reading a Dan Brown-esque novel and getting a tan. hmmm.. maybe this weekend?
I have always worked. At 15 my mom used to drop me off in the summer at the local no-tel mo-tel so I could clean rooms for the folks who owned the place. (for 20 years I could NOT stand the smell of curry)
At 16 I did exactly 3 days a McDonalds.
I worked through high school at the True Value hawking lumber and toilet bowl parts to my friends' parents.
College is a dizzying array of waitressing gigs and radio. First shift, third shift.. you name it. I secretly fashioned myself a modern day Flo from Alice's Diner...
After school - it was real world radio and tv jobs.
During babies - it was teaching aerobics
After babies - it was the family fence business
Now - it's somebody else's manufacturing business
And at no point through any of this did it ever once occur to me that I should spend a day of my life washing the walls of my house/apartment/condo. I work all the time...
Normally my house looks pretty clean. It doesn't smell and you can easily pull the "5 second rule" on a dropped hot dog without a trip to the bathroom or the emergency room 8 hours later. What I can't figure out though is how to make enough time in my life to wash the walls. WTF? Here's how the wall washing would play out in my world (and my justification for not doing it).
"I am going to wash the walls today"
"I suppose I should do it one room at a time"
"I will start in my bedroom and work down through the house"
"I should dust everything first"
"Those louver doors are going to take about 45 minutes to detail them and get it right"
"If I am doing the louver doors, I should probably clean out the closet"
"I need to go get some new vacuum cleaner bags so after I get everything pulled out I can clean the floor under all the shoes"
"I need to donate those shoes and the clothes to Goodwill - I should pick up some garbage bags too.."
So... 4 hours later clothes sorted and louvers dusted it's half way through the day and I would not have even washed walls in ONE room.
I really want to tell myself that if you're going to do it - do it right - one time - that'll hold.
What I think really choose to do is - look the other way.
I am very good at looking the other way - I wish I was better at doing it right.
Left to my own devices I would drink beer and listen to country music while reading a Dan Brown-esque novel and getting a tan. hmmm.. maybe this weekend?
I have always worked. At 15 my mom used to drop me off in the summer at the local no-tel mo-tel so I could clean rooms for the folks who owned the place. (for 20 years I could NOT stand the smell of curry)
At 16 I did exactly 3 days a McDonalds.
I worked through high school at the True Value hawking lumber and toilet bowl parts to my friends' parents.
College is a dizzying array of waitressing gigs and radio. First shift, third shift.. you name it. I secretly fashioned myself a modern day Flo from Alice's Diner...
After school - it was real world radio and tv jobs.
During babies - it was teaching aerobics
After babies - it was the family fence business
Now - it's somebody else's manufacturing business
And at no point through any of this did it ever once occur to me that I should spend a day of my life washing the walls of my house/apartment/condo. I work all the time...
Normally my house looks pretty clean. It doesn't smell and you can easily pull the "5 second rule" on a dropped hot dog without a trip to the bathroom or the emergency room 8 hours later. What I can't figure out though is how to make enough time in my life to wash the walls. WTF? Here's how the wall washing would play out in my world (and my justification for not doing it).
"I am going to wash the walls today"
"I suppose I should do it one room at a time"
"I will start in my bedroom and work down through the house"
"I should dust everything first"
"Those louver doors are going to take about 45 minutes to detail them and get it right"
"If I am doing the louver doors, I should probably clean out the closet"
"I need to go get some new vacuum cleaner bags so after I get everything pulled out I can clean the floor under all the shoes"
"I need to donate those shoes and the clothes to Goodwill - I should pick up some garbage bags too.."
So... 4 hours later clothes sorted and louvers dusted it's half way through the day and I would not have even washed walls in ONE room.
I really want to tell myself that if you're going to do it - do it right - one time - that'll hold.
What I think really choose to do is - look the other way.
I am very good at looking the other way - I wish I was better at doing it right.
Monday, August 13, 2012
I'm back.. with a LONG damn list
So... I've been away awhile. Kind of a long while actually, for no other reason than I've been damn lazy and distracted.
Back in the day I started this as a way to keep myself on track with the "I want to get healthy" thing. In reality, all the "I want to get healthy" thing really means is: "I want to look smokin' hot in those jeans." Don't lie - you know it's true.
For the record I am back on the health tip but it's going to start taking a backseat to the screaming in my head. I don't know if it's because I am getting older or meaner but my patience for the world is waning. Never fear my dears... I still get all hearts and rainbows every now and again but the shiznit I have seen over the summer has got me ready to bitch slap the next size 2 soccer mom who calls herself fat.
Angst? Yep. Frustration? You bet.
I've done a whole summer of beach vacations and parties so I am ready to get this thing started again...Here's the coming attractions - (so I can take them off Evernote on my phone)
Old gay man waiters
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Young love with no future
Why bud light may, in fact, be the worst beer ever foisted upon Americans
Cheese people
Washing walls
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Overeating to compensate for feelings of inferiority
Expectations and disappointments..
Twitter stalking
20 somethings
Yes - I can see where this going. I may be one of the nicest people you ever meet in real life - but here, in this space, I am going to tell my version of the truth... and it won't be pretty or edited for television.
I need to purge so grab a bucket.
Back in the day I started this as a way to keep myself on track with the "I want to get healthy" thing. In reality, all the "I want to get healthy" thing really means is: "I want to look smokin' hot in those jeans." Don't lie - you know it's true.
For the record I am back on the health tip but it's going to start taking a backseat to the screaming in my head. I don't know if it's because I am getting older or meaner but my patience for the world is waning. Never fear my dears... I still get all hearts and rainbows every now and again but the shiznit I have seen over the summer has got me ready to bitch slap the next size 2 soccer mom who calls herself fat.
Angst? Yep. Frustration? You bet.
I've done a whole summer of beach vacations and parties so I am ready to get this thing started again...Here's the coming attractions - (so I can take them off Evernote on my phone)
Old gay man waiters
Skinny jean wearing Euroamericans
Young love with no future
Why bud light may, in fact, be the worst beer ever foisted upon Americans
Cheese people
Washing walls
Shaving my legs - why or why not?
Overeating to compensate for feelings of inferiority
Expectations and disappointments..
Twitter stalking
20 somethings
Yes - I can see where this going. I may be one of the nicest people you ever meet in real life - but here, in this space, I am going to tell my version of the truth... and it won't be pretty or edited for television.
I need to purge so grab a bucket.
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