Today is my birthday. I am 40. I weighed in at 206, I smoked on the way to work and I brought everyone in the office poinsettias to decorate for Christmas.
I think the fates got together and were giving me a message this morning when I pulled out my scale for my final "weigh in" of the Challenge39. I have had this scale, and got on this scale everyday for the last 7 or maybe even 8 years. That is a long muthafuckin time... and it has never, ever, not worked.
So - thinking that nothing would be different today other than THE PAYOFF, I get the scale out, hit the button... and ... nothing. Blank.
WHAT the HELL?? Are you kidding me? Today (of all days) it simply didn't turn on.
In my world of hidden meanings and messages this is beyond huge. This is the god damn cosmos telling me that all of my planning and work means... well... nothing. Is this the cosmos telling me "give it a rest sister" you're fine?
I'm going with yes. Message received. Deep breaths. Everything is OK. I am beautiful and strong and smart.
Word to Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler - 2 outta 3 ain't bad.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
I seriously hate where I live
As I move through my life (notice move through - not move into) I am one of those people who actually thinks about it. I truly try to see the good in people. I am optimistic even when things go wrong. I try not to worry, and when things go wrong I'm usually pretty successful in finding a way to turn it into a positive. I am one of those people who chooses to be happy when it is usually quite clear there is no reason to be.
Today - is not one of those days.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing is any different than any other day. It's just that today, I am seeing the world without my rose colored glasses and it really, truly sucks.
I live in Ohio. Dull, grey, ugly Ohio. And, no - it's not Columbus or Cleveland or even Cincinnati. It's nowheresville. No culture, no restaurants, no music scene, there's not even a god damned bookstore within 30 miles. Nothing. Where I live there are no dance clubs, no historic house tours, no horse training stables, no yacht clubs, no.... nothing. And it's sad.
All of my greatest ideas, all my contributions to the world that I think I might one day make are as stagnant as the water here. Nothing moves. We just circle and rant and circle again.
At the very least it would be nice to say it's safe or a good place to raise your family. Except for that there is no industry and consequently no money. With a dead economy, people here lock their doors and their minds. Raising my sons in this void, I hope I have the strength to show them what the world could be.
Today, my rose colored glasses are not on - and everything is grey.
Today - is not one of those days.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing is any different than any other day. It's just that today, I am seeing the world without my rose colored glasses and it really, truly sucks.
I live in Ohio. Dull, grey, ugly Ohio. And, no - it's not Columbus or Cleveland or even Cincinnati. It's nowheresville. No culture, no restaurants, no music scene, there's not even a god damned bookstore within 30 miles. Nothing. Where I live there are no dance clubs, no historic house tours, no horse training stables, no yacht clubs, no.... nothing. And it's sad.
All of my greatest ideas, all my contributions to the world that I think I might one day make are as stagnant as the water here. Nothing moves. We just circle and rant and circle again.
At the very least it would be nice to say it's safe or a good place to raise your family. Except for that there is no industry and consequently no money. With a dead economy, people here lock their doors and their minds. Raising my sons in this void, I hope I have the strength to show them what the world could be.
Today, my rose colored glasses are not on - and everything is grey.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I think I'm a creeper - and, thanks
I have only two weeks left to b-day and with the clock ticking I am still pretty confident that I will reach the goals I laid out for myself this year.
I will hit 40 a nicer person
I will weigh less at 40 than I did at 20
I will not be smoking - even if I quit that day damn it...
This blog was my method of keeping myself in check, but it has turned into a silent addiction. It's not that I post constantly, because I don't. But I find myself checking in with other people via their blogs. And frankly, I'm hooked.
I thought I knew it before but I am absolutely convinced now that there is a quiet majority of people out there that all seem to struggle with the same issues.
I thought I was clever until I laughed out loud reading one blog.
I thought I was informed, until I started researching some options and found out I was late to the party.
I thought I was funny, I thought I was alone, I thought I was mean, I thought I was an athlete, I thought I was all sorts of things... and I am. Just like dozens of other people floating in the ethos - drinking at Starbucks, and going to jobs they can't stand either.
I've used their arguments at cocktail parties and their games at tailgates. I've used their inspiration and their stories. In fact, I thought I used them all up - until I found more... and more... and more...
There are alot of us out there. That makes me feel a little bit better. I'm sorry I will never meet you. I think some of you would have been my friends.
I will hit 40 a nicer person
I will weigh less at 40 than I did at 20
I will not be smoking - even if I quit that day damn it...
This blog was my method of keeping myself in check, but it has turned into a silent addiction. It's not that I post constantly, because I don't. But I find myself checking in with other people via their blogs. And frankly, I'm hooked.
I thought I knew it before but I am absolutely convinced now that there is a quiet majority of people out there that all seem to struggle with the same issues.
I thought I was clever until I laughed out loud reading one blog.
I thought I was informed, until I started researching some options and found out I was late to the party.
I thought I was funny, I thought I was alone, I thought I was mean, I thought I was an athlete, I thought I was all sorts of things... and I am. Just like dozens of other people floating in the ethos - drinking at Starbucks, and going to jobs they can't stand either.
I've used their arguments at cocktail parties and their games at tailgates. I've used their inspiration and their stories. In fact, I thought I used them all up - until I found more... and more... and more...
There are alot of us out there. That makes me feel a little bit better. I'm sorry I will never meet you. I think some of you would have been my friends.
Friday, September 30, 2011
60 day window
60 days sounds like a ton of time but in essence, it's just 8 short weeks to my birthday.
Looking back on the plan, I think I can see the end... and I'm nervous. I usually save my energy for most things until they are due. I finish work at the last minute, I train right before, I used to pull overnighters to study. Apparently, I saved up some of my energy till the last minute on this one too.
I have been unusually unconcerned while strangely obsessed with my "turning 40 plan". I think I am a bit of a visual learner so I filled a jar with stones and left it on my dresser as a reminder. One beautiful blue stone for each Sunday left before November 30. Every week I take another stone out of the jar as a reminder of how quickly the days and weeks fly by.
I make choices everyday, and everyday day gets graded on a curve. Yes to the fries, no to the cake, yes to the bland no calorie Special K chips, no to the pizza. I have been trying to change my habits.... but I like my habits. I am forever telling my kids that they need to "step out of their comfort zone" if they are ever going to learn something new about themselves.
I think I should take my own advice.
I thought September was going to be workout month (everyday). Turns out, that might need to be October instead... 1800 calories and 3 days of workouts a week is normal. If I want to see changes I will need to cut back on the cal, and increase the workouts. So goes the plan..
Looking back on the plan, I think I can see the end... and I'm nervous. I usually save my energy for most things until they are due. I finish work at the last minute, I train right before, I used to pull overnighters to study. Apparently, I saved up some of my energy till the last minute on this one too.
I have been unusually unconcerned while strangely obsessed with my "turning 40 plan". I think I am a bit of a visual learner so I filled a jar with stones and left it on my dresser as a reminder. One beautiful blue stone for each Sunday left before November 30. Every week I take another stone out of the jar as a reminder of how quickly the days and weeks fly by.
I make choices everyday, and everyday day gets graded on a curve. Yes to the fries, no to the cake, yes to the bland no calorie Special K chips, no to the pizza. I have been trying to change my habits.... but I like my habits. I am forever telling my kids that they need to "step out of their comfort zone" if they are ever going to learn something new about themselves.
I think I should take my own advice.
I thought September was going to be workout month (everyday). Turns out, that might need to be October instead... 1800 calories and 3 days of workouts a week is normal. If I want to see changes I will need to cut back on the cal, and increase the workouts. So goes the plan..
Monday, September 12, 2011
hells yeah, i did...
So, we're more than half way to B-day - November 30 - and several months ago I decided I was going to set my sights on the Warrior Dash.
For the uninitiated - go here!
The warrior dash is a 3.1 mile obstacle course meets 5k through mud, water and fire. I was pretty sure I could run it, I was not sure my body would deliver on the obstacles. I talked a few friends into going with me and I am so happy I did. It was AWESOME. It was hard, and easy and fun and a little scary and everything I had hoped it would be.
Of course we were not running for time... we were running to finish (and for the free beer at the end).
The entire point of signing up to run the Warrior Dash was to prove to myself that my body can handle a fair amount of stress and survive. I wanted to prove I could do something I set my mind to. I wanted to feel alive and in charge of my body.
All these things happened and more.
I rocked the obstacles
I made friends along the way who gave me their free beer chips
... and most importantly, I didn't stop. I didn't even want to. I knew that I could do it if I just didn't stop.
New lesson on the eating thing -
just don't quit (did Nike already use that as a slogan?)
For the uninitiated - go here!
The warrior dash is a 3.1 mile obstacle course meets 5k through mud, water and fire. I was pretty sure I could run it, I was not sure my body would deliver on the obstacles. I talked a few friends into going with me and I am so happy I did. It was AWESOME. It was hard, and easy and fun and a little scary and everything I had hoped it would be.
Of course we were not running for time... we were running to finish (and for the free beer at the end).
The entire point of signing up to run the Warrior Dash was to prove to myself that my body can handle a fair amount of stress and survive. I wanted to prove I could do something I set my mind to. I wanted to feel alive and in charge of my body.
All these things happened and more.
I rocked the obstacles
I made friends along the way who gave me their free beer chips
... and most importantly, I didn't stop. I didn't even want to. I knew that I could do it if I just didn't stop.
New lesson on the eating thing -
just don't quit (did Nike already use that as a slogan?)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The Cow Girl
I always feel like I need to post something after travel. I suppose that's because I usually find myself with time on my hands to slow down and look around when I'm not at home trudging through my normal routine.
So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits.
I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses. I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up.
This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat. She macerated her food. I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed. She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to. I could not stop staring. And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.
By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites. By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate. Then, she said she was full. Then she wanted attention because she was "so full". Then, I wanted to throw up for her.
Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?
Hmmm.
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow
So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits.
I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses. I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up.
This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat. She macerated her food. I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed. She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to. I could not stop staring. And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.
By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites. By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate. Then, she said she was full. Then she wanted attention because she was "so full". Then, I wanted to throw up for her.
Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?
Hmmm.
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow
Friday, August 12, 2011
Guilty... or not?
It's been over a month since my last confession...
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Letter to me -
I was jumping around the internet today and I found a project where a bunch of celebrities wrote letters to their 16 year old selves. I'm no Brad Paisley, but I started thinking about what I would write..
Hi Honey - 7-1-2011 (from you, at 40)
I am writing to you today to let you know everything is probably not going to work out how you want it to.
It's OK though... some things are simply meant to be. Everything you think about fate and faith is probably true. Stick to your guns - you only end up pissing off a couple of people along the way (and they all end up forgiving you)
To take a few things off your mind -
You will have a date to the prom
You will not get pregnant before you get married (and you won't have to get married because you are pregnant)
You'll always have awesome friends
You will not be rich but you'll have a great life
You will not always love your job - but you'll be damn good at it
Some things you should do in high school-
You have way more going for you than you think you do, break up with that guy now
Put yourself out there a little bit more and give people a chance
Some things you should do in college-
I know you want to go into radio or TV but if there's any way you can pull off a double major in education- do it, I'd like my summer free please
Date more
Some things you might want to work on now (to save you /me the stress later)-
You're headed for fat - keep working out now... you'll have way more fun if you're not constantly obsessed with the weight thing
Don't forget to try to stay in touch with the people who come in and out of your life... you will miss them later
And finally -
Regardless of how tired you are - keep saying yes! It's what makes you/me who we are.
Yes to new things
Yes to hard jobs
Yes to learning
Yes to life....
XOXOXO
Me
Hi Honey - 7-1-2011 (from you, at 40)
I am writing to you today to let you know everything is probably not going to work out how you want it to.
It's OK though... some things are simply meant to be. Everything you think about fate and faith is probably true. Stick to your guns - you only end up pissing off a couple of people along the way (and they all end up forgiving you)
To take a few things off your mind -
You will have a date to the prom
You will not get pregnant before you get married (and you won't have to get married because you are pregnant)
You'll always have awesome friends
You will not be rich but you'll have a great life
You will not always love your job - but you'll be damn good at it
Some things you should do in high school-
You have way more going for you than you think you do, break up with that guy now
Put yourself out there a little bit more and give people a chance
Some things you should do in college-
I know you want to go into radio or TV but if there's any way you can pull off a double major in education- do it, I'd like my summer free please
Date more
Some things you might want to work on now (to save you /me the stress later)-
You're headed for fat - keep working out now... you'll have way more fun if you're not constantly obsessed with the weight thing
Don't forget to try to stay in touch with the people who come in and out of your life... you will miss them later
And finally -
Regardless of how tired you are - keep saying yes! It's what makes you/me who we are.
Yes to new things
Yes to hard jobs
Yes to learning
Yes to life....
XOXOXO
Me
Thursday, June 30, 2011
the 23 point salad
A couple of weight watchers meetings ago, the topic of the week was breakfast. There was all sorts of chit-chat about how important it was to eat breakfast . This, of course, opened up a discussion about different tricks for getting a filling a breakfast on a few points.
My leader (god, how I hate to call her that) was mortified when I announced that I skipped breakfast a couple of times of week because I couldn't afford to use up the points.
"Everyone has room for just 4 points"
"Well, I suppose most people do... just not me everyday"
"Why don't you tell me what you eat for breakfast, when you do eat"
"ok... uh, an egg white omelet or Special K with fat free milk"
"that sounds reasonable"
(NO SHIT LADY - THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO)
"thanks"
What she didn't press me for, was why I would feel like I didn't have enough points during the day to warrant blowing 4 or more on breakfast.
Answer - The 23 point salad.
Here in the armpit of America there are lots of folks who subscribe to "Taste of Home" cookery. Although this is an entirely different topic for another day - understand that includes adding butter or fried something to just about anything.
Enter - the Ohio salad. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up here or maybe it's because I just wasn't paying attention 20 years ago where I did grow up, but since when did salads come with fries on top?
Alot of fries.
and steak
and copious amounts of cheese
and croutons
and raspberry vinaigrette dressing (full strength)?
Now do not misread me. This is not to say I do not love, love, love the "steak salad". I do.
I love it enough to eat every bit of the 23 points it cost me today.
Bring on the fries dripping in vinaigrette baby.
If I could have washed the whole damn thing down with a beer I would have.
Instead I topped it off with... a god damned jelly donut (yep, that's back in the mix).
So - at the close of business today I will have eaten all but 1 of my available points.
I wonder if my leader has any great ideas for a 1 point dinner. Ok, - so seriously putting the sarcasm there in check - really, truly - anybody have a 1 point dinner idea?
I'm going to be hungry.
My leader (god, how I hate to call her that) was mortified when I announced that I skipped breakfast a couple of times of week because I couldn't afford to use up the points.
"Everyone has room for just 4 points"
"Well, I suppose most people do... just not me everyday"
"Why don't you tell me what you eat for breakfast, when you do eat"
"ok... uh, an egg white omelet or Special K with fat free milk"
"that sounds reasonable"
(NO SHIT LADY - THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO)
"thanks"
What she didn't press me for, was why I would feel like I didn't have enough points during the day to warrant blowing 4 or more on breakfast.
Answer - The 23 point salad.
Here in the armpit of America there are lots of folks who subscribe to "Taste of Home" cookery. Although this is an entirely different topic for another day - understand that includes adding butter or fried something to just about anything.
Enter - the Ohio salad. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up here or maybe it's because I just wasn't paying attention 20 years ago where I did grow up, but since when did salads come with fries on top?
Alot of fries.
and steak
and copious amounts of cheese
and croutons
and raspberry vinaigrette dressing (full strength)?
Now do not misread me. This is not to say I do not love, love, love the "steak salad". I do.
I love it enough to eat every bit of the 23 points it cost me today.
Bring on the fries dripping in vinaigrette baby.
If I could have washed the whole damn thing down with a beer I would have.
Instead I topped it off with... a god damned jelly donut (yep, that's back in the mix).
So - at the close of business today I will have eaten all but 1 of my available points.
I wonder if my leader has any great ideas for a 1 point dinner. Ok, - so seriously putting the sarcasm there in check - really, truly - anybody have a 1 point dinner idea?
I'm going to be hungry.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Drizzle
Somedays at work I just don't "have it." As anyone who has struggled knows, you can rationalize yourself into or out of anything. So, after cleaning up the emails and some minor messes I was left with an afternoon of time to fill and very little to fill it with. Back in grade school I always got O for outstanding on "spends time wisely". I hate not having something to do.
So - I stepped outside into a drizzle. It was the kind of drizzle you can't quite see at first. You can feel it but it's not really rain. It's there, but not obvious. You know it is happening because you're getting wet but there is no visual proof. At least there's no real visual proof... right away. If you stop, stand still, and let your eyes relax out of focus a bit - it's there. It's hard to see (because you keep wanting to really look for it) but if you focus on NOT focusing it pops right back into view like those mind drawings people send around the internet. You know, if you look at it one way it is an old man, look at it another and it is a woman with a hat?
I've always been about the symbolism in life. Sun, rain, talismans. I attach meaning to all sorts of things. I still love my high school english teacher who obsessed over metaphorical symbolism from the literary greats. So when I think rain, or water for that matter, I get all sorts of images about cleansing and the "washing away" of things.
So, here I am. Back inside and thinking about how this drizzle is so hard to see. How this water is ever so gently washing the world. You've got to be relaxed and let yourself unfocus to see it's work... to feel it's work. What, exactly, does all this mean?
Just like some people can't see the forest for the trees, maybe on some journeys you can't be clean until you unfocus. I think I get caught up in all the point counting and the activity tracking (or lack therof) and just can't see this little experiment for what it is - an experiment.
The ongoing dialogue in my head is absolutely exhausting:
"follow the program, eat the right amount of points"
"but I like this other thing"
"ok, just have a little"
"uhh... I don't know when I'll get this again - and it's my favorite"
"ok, fine - make up for it tomorrow"
Except the tomorrow never comes. And I berate myself for days.
Every day is a failure. Every night - a renewed pledge to try again. Then - the dialogue.
Maybe it's time I unfocus a bit. Create a simple to follow week long plan and follow it. Stop focusing on all the options and the maybes.
Cleansing away 25 years of negative self talk is not easy. This dialogue is very familiar to me.
I need to let the drizzle do it's job - and if I want to see it - I need to relax and unfocus a bit.
Perhaps.
So - I stepped outside into a drizzle. It was the kind of drizzle you can't quite see at first. You can feel it but it's not really rain. It's there, but not obvious. You know it is happening because you're getting wet but there is no visual proof. At least there's no real visual proof... right away. If you stop, stand still, and let your eyes relax out of focus a bit - it's there. It's hard to see (because you keep wanting to really look for it) but if you focus on NOT focusing it pops right back into view like those mind drawings people send around the internet. You know, if you look at it one way it is an old man, look at it another and it is a woman with a hat?
I've always been about the symbolism in life. Sun, rain, talismans. I attach meaning to all sorts of things. I still love my high school english teacher who obsessed over metaphorical symbolism from the literary greats. So when I think rain, or water for that matter, I get all sorts of images about cleansing and the "washing away" of things.
So, here I am. Back inside and thinking about how this drizzle is so hard to see. How this water is ever so gently washing the world. You've got to be relaxed and let yourself unfocus to see it's work... to feel it's work. What, exactly, does all this mean?
Just like some people can't see the forest for the trees, maybe on some journeys you can't be clean until you unfocus. I think I get caught up in all the point counting and the activity tracking (or lack therof) and just can't see this little experiment for what it is - an experiment.
The ongoing dialogue in my head is absolutely exhausting:
"follow the program, eat the right amount of points"
"but I like this other thing"
"ok, just have a little"
"uhh... I don't know when I'll get this again - and it's my favorite"
"ok, fine - make up for it tomorrow"
Except the tomorrow never comes. And I berate myself for days.
Every day is a failure. Every night - a renewed pledge to try again. Then - the dialogue.
Maybe it's time I unfocus a bit. Create a simple to follow week long plan and follow it. Stop focusing on all the options and the maybes.
Cleansing away 25 years of negative self talk is not easy. This dialogue is very familiar to me.
I need to let the drizzle do it's job - and if I want to see it - I need to relax and unfocus a bit.
Perhaps.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I NEED crunchy things..
I made it through the weekend with weekly points still in reserve! Yea for me.
And although I'm off to a banner day (good lunch and good breakfast) by the time 3:30 hit I was ready to eat half a bag of potato chips. Fruit and protein just don't have that satisfying crunch. Neither do carrots or celery or anything else on the "approved" list.
So - again, fiending through my office trying to find anything... I found two, very old, very stale plain rice cakes.
UGH.
I feel like I ate Styrofoam. They crunched though, so I suppose that is something.
Lots of points left for dinner. Today, there is hope.
And although I'm off to a banner day (good lunch and good breakfast) by the time 3:30 hit I was ready to eat half a bag of potato chips. Fruit and protein just don't have that satisfying crunch. Neither do carrots or celery or anything else on the "approved" list.
So - again, fiending through my office trying to find anything... I found two, very old, very stale plain rice cakes.
UGH.
I feel like I ate Styrofoam. They crunched though, so I suppose that is something.
Lots of points left for dinner. Today, there is hope.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Lunch at Sam's Club
I'm not quite sure what it is about Sam's Club but I just love having lunch there. It is a sad commentary on my life that I actually don't mind having to run there during my lunch break to grab a few things.
First of all, the Caesar salad in a box is hard to beat. The pizza is cheap and they have this iced tea that is one of my faves. But I think the real reason I love eating at Sam's club (on those portable white picnic tables) is because it is absolutely anonymous.
I could literally sit there for an hour watching the people come through the lines with the piles and piles of supplies. And, of course, I simply cannot stop myself from looking... nay, dare I say staring at them and their purchases. It's a story tellers dream.
Today there was the guy who bought an entire cart load of Clorox wipes. I mean they come in a 4-pack and this guy had about 30 of these things stacked up. This guy gets enough Clorox wipes to clean up a dead body... and, a bag of chips.
How about the very metropolitan looking mom carrying a designer purse who's going through the line buying nothing but boxes and boxes of Fiber one bars. Laxative issues, yep? That's my guess.
If you've ever lived or worked in Ohio - you will understand this next one. Bubba and his wife are rolling through the checkout. Everybody is tatted up with their NASCAR gear on and the group is buying a trampoline, a package of steaks, a bag of croutons and a case of beer. Hot damn - that's an Ohio weekend in paradise right there...
Don't call me judgemental man - just call it having a little creative fun.
First of all, the Caesar salad in a box is hard to beat. The pizza is cheap and they have this iced tea that is one of my faves. But I think the real reason I love eating at Sam's club (on those portable white picnic tables) is because it is absolutely anonymous.
I could literally sit there for an hour watching the people come through the lines with the piles and piles of supplies. And, of course, I simply cannot stop myself from looking... nay, dare I say staring at them and their purchases. It's a story tellers dream.
Today there was the guy who bought an entire cart load of Clorox wipes. I mean they come in a 4-pack and this guy had about 30 of these things stacked up. This guy gets enough Clorox wipes to clean up a dead body... and, a bag of chips.
How about the very metropolitan looking mom carrying a designer purse who's going through the line buying nothing but boxes and boxes of Fiber one bars. Laxative issues, yep? That's my guess.
If you've ever lived or worked in Ohio - you will understand this next one. Bubba and his wife are rolling through the checkout. Everybody is tatted up with their NASCAR gear on and the group is buying a trampoline, a package of steaks, a bag of croutons and a case of beer. Hot damn - that's an Ohio weekend in paradise right there...
Don't call me judgemental man - just call it having a little creative fun.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I just ate a cupcake
I've been staring at this particular cupcake for over a week.
Every time I go to fill up my coffee cup, get a glass of water - grab anything from the kitchen - this damn cupcake is simply staring at me. He was the last of a six pack of gourmet - $2.50 a cake treats that my boss brought in to work one day.
WTF?
Now, understand that I have VERY similar situations rear their ugly heads almost every day at work. Usually, someone is bringing in brownies or cookies or donuts on Friday. My workplace is a never ending stream of gut wrenching sweet treat decisions. No lie - this happens every week.
So what was it really that made me decide the "chocolate milkshake" cupcake with the white sprinkles was doomed?
I HAVE NO IDEA. REALLY.
I had healthy treats at my desk, including an apple, a kiwi, some strawberries, mini rice cakes, a package of almonds and a package of tuna. I also could have grabbed out of the kitchen some fresh cantaloupe, a popsicle, oatmeal, soup, crackers, gingersnaps, or fig newtons... and that's just what's up for grabs in the front. So, why... why... why... did I choose the cupcake?
This is the mental block I have with food. The Cupcake. That's me.
Every time I go to fill up my coffee cup, get a glass of water - grab anything from the kitchen - this damn cupcake is simply staring at me. He was the last of a six pack of gourmet - $2.50 a cake treats that my boss brought in to work one day.
WTF?
Now, understand that I have VERY similar situations rear their ugly heads almost every day at work. Usually, someone is bringing in brownies or cookies or donuts on Friday. My workplace is a never ending stream of gut wrenching sweet treat decisions. No lie - this happens every week.
So what was it really that made me decide the "chocolate milkshake" cupcake with the white sprinkles was doomed?
I HAVE NO IDEA. REALLY.
I had healthy treats at my desk, including an apple, a kiwi, some strawberries, mini rice cakes, a package of almonds and a package of tuna. I also could have grabbed out of the kitchen some fresh cantaloupe, a popsicle, oatmeal, soup, crackers, gingersnaps, or fig newtons... and that's just what's up for grabs in the front. So, why... why... why... did I choose the cupcake?
This is the mental block I have with food. The Cupcake. That's me.
Monday, April 11, 2011
we're a month in...
So, with the end of week 3 and the end of week 4 - here's the scoop.
After using all my AP and all my WP (I mean REALLY using them all) I ended up down .2. Good thing I peed before I got weighed in or it probably would have been a no change. At the end of week 3 I actually had gone over my points allowance by 8. Lesson here - DO NOT GO OVER.
So, that being said - I completely jumped without abandon on week 4. This time, I went a full 22 points over my WP and AP and ended up gaining .2. Lesson here - REALLY, REALLY DO NOT GO OVER.
Although I am forever tempted to blow all my WP every weekend, it occurs to me that this is a very bad idea. Regardless of my planning there will always be something that comes up during the week that I attempt to solve with food. I think I have to start simply accepting that I've got to leave a little wiggle room every week for the inevitable "holy shit - how do I deal with this" moment.
It would be great if I could channel my energies into something other than food but honestly, that's a stretch. I've been self medicating with food for 39 years - it's going to take a while to break that habit.
So after a full month - I'm down 6. Certainly not the 10 I was shooting for but well within my "glass half empty" parameters. The WW already stole their second $40 payment from my checking account so we're off the races on month two. Shortly I will start obsessing about exercising but honestly, I'm not feeling it yet.
After using all my AP and all my WP (I mean REALLY using them all) I ended up down .2. Good thing I peed before I got weighed in or it probably would have been a no change. At the end of week 3 I actually had gone over my points allowance by 8. Lesson here - DO NOT GO OVER.
So, that being said - I completely jumped without abandon on week 4. This time, I went a full 22 points over my WP and AP and ended up gaining .2. Lesson here - REALLY, REALLY DO NOT GO OVER.
Although I am forever tempted to blow all my WP every weekend, it occurs to me that this is a very bad idea. Regardless of my planning there will always be something that comes up during the week that I attempt to solve with food. I think I have to start simply accepting that I've got to leave a little wiggle room every week for the inevitable "holy shit - how do I deal with this" moment.
It would be great if I could channel my energies into something other than food but honestly, that's a stretch. I've been self medicating with food for 39 years - it's going to take a while to break that habit.
So after a full month - I'm down 6. Certainly not the 10 I was shooting for but well within my "glass half empty" parameters. The WW already stole their second $40 payment from my checking account so we're off the races on month two. Shortly I will start obsessing about exercising but honestly, I'm not feeling it yet.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
2 Weeks in on the WW
So it's been two weeks since I joined WW.
There is a whole lot to update so I will have to start at the beginning....
I joined on a Saturday morning and out of the gate, my leader was not clear on how much to charge me (of course she wanted to overcharge me) for the monthly pass. I went through the meeting feeling a bit like I was at an AA meeting. I was anxious for the meeting to be over so she could - "get me all set up". Honestly, this is why I joined in the first place. I wanted to understand the point plus structure and see how it was different from what I had been doing on my own for over a year now.
I was absolutely horrified to find out that the information I wanted (ie - calories etc.) was precisely the kind of information she WOULD NOT provide. WHAT!!! Let me get this straight. I am paying $40.00 a month for a secret formula that you won't even explain. She wrote down my daily point allowance and was pleased with herself to send me on my way. Even two weeks later I'm still annoyed.
But - in keeping with the spirit of things I decided instead of trying to overthink everything yet again - I would pin up the logical side of my brain and go on blind faith. Tricky, but I'll give it a shot. Eat what they tell me in the quantites they recommend and just believe that something is going to work. Hmmmmm....
Fast forward to two weeks later. The first week I lost 5 lbs. The second week 1.
I told myself (and my $40) that I really needed to commit for one month before I can make any judgement call at all about the lay of the land. Because I am quickly bored I am doing something a little different each week to see how that impacts the overall...
So - Week One
Used every bit of my daily 33 points. Used about half of my weekly and stored up about 5 activity points.
Exercised just one day.
Lost five lbs.
Week Two
Used every daily point (which was now switched to 32 - still pissed because they won't give me the formula for finding out how many points you should have, based on what.... rrrgghh)
Used every weekly point.
Exercised 2 times this week and used every activity point I had racked up.
Lost one lb.
Week Three - still in progress
So far using every daily point
Weekly points were gone by Sunday night (seriously, in the weekend I blew through them all!)
Exercising hard, 3 days so far and I've blown through most of these.
Lost - TBA
There is a whole lot to update so I will have to start at the beginning....
I joined on a Saturday morning and out of the gate, my leader was not clear on how much to charge me (of course she wanted to overcharge me) for the monthly pass. I went through the meeting feeling a bit like I was at an AA meeting. I was anxious for the meeting to be over so she could - "get me all set up". Honestly, this is why I joined in the first place. I wanted to understand the point plus structure and see how it was different from what I had been doing on my own for over a year now.
I was absolutely horrified to find out that the information I wanted (ie - calories etc.) was precisely the kind of information she WOULD NOT provide. WHAT!!! Let me get this straight. I am paying $40.00 a month for a secret formula that you won't even explain. She wrote down my daily point allowance and was pleased with herself to send me on my way. Even two weeks later I'm still annoyed.
But - in keeping with the spirit of things I decided instead of trying to overthink everything yet again - I would pin up the logical side of my brain and go on blind faith. Tricky, but I'll give it a shot. Eat what they tell me in the quantites they recommend and just believe that something is going to work. Hmmmmm....
Fast forward to two weeks later. The first week I lost 5 lbs. The second week 1.
I told myself (and my $40) that I really needed to commit for one month before I can make any judgement call at all about the lay of the land. Because I am quickly bored I am doing something a little different each week to see how that impacts the overall...
So - Week One
Used every bit of my daily 33 points. Used about half of my weekly and stored up about 5 activity points.
Exercised just one day.
Lost five lbs.
Week Two
Used every daily point (which was now switched to 32 - still pissed because they won't give me the formula for finding out how many points you should have, based on what.... rrrgghh)
Used every weekly point.
Exercised 2 times this week and used every activity point I had racked up.
Lost one lb.
Week Three - still in progress
So far using every daily point
Weekly points were gone by Sunday night (seriously, in the weekend I blew through them all!)
Exercising hard, 3 days so far and I've blown through most of these.
Lost - TBA
Friday, March 11, 2011
Weight Watchers
I'm going to do it.
Usually, I'm not one to think something through before jumping in. This time - I've obsessed over the decision to join Weight Watchers for more than a year.
I truly and sincerely thought I could just keep experimenting on my own and eventually I would hit on the magic formula that works for me. After 14 months - it's time to concede that there may actually be someone who knows more about this subject than me.
I will pay them $40 a month and follow their program exactly for 30 days.
Today's weight - 219.
Usually, I'm not one to think something through before jumping in. This time - I've obsessed over the decision to join Weight Watchers for more than a year.
I truly and sincerely thought I could just keep experimenting on my own and eventually I would hit on the magic formula that works for me. After 14 months - it's time to concede that there may actually be someone who knows more about this subject than me.
I will pay them $40 a month and follow their program exactly for 30 days.
Today's weight - 219.
Before and After Photos...
You'll hear real responsible types tell you that there is no such thing as "before" and "after" photos because "after" really means forever. God, if that were true...
I sincerely hope that once I get this project really rolling I will believe in the forever. I relish the day that I can look back at some photos from 2009 or 2010 and congratulate myself for losing 50, 75 even 100 lbs.
I view my whole weight loss journey as a huge experiment filled with tests and trials that need checked, and checked again. Truthfully, it's why I try not to beat myself up much. I log a failure (a gain) as a proof positive that "_____" didn't work.
What I can't quite wrap my brain around however is the idea of the "before and after" photos. What will my after photos look like? I came across some old sports photos from 1988 - my junior year in high school. I remember HATING how fat I was and how horrified I was to get my picture taken in the tight softball pants. I also remember that being the last time I was anywhere near normal weight. Even then I was 165 pounds (overweight) according to health charts.
When I found the picture buried in an old box I almost starting crying - I looked fabulous! I mean truly - WOW. What the hell was I thinking? Which leads me to this...
Was that picture the "before" or the "after"?
My weight has been a constant struggle as far back as I can remember. But regardless, my thighs have always rubbed together. Your body style is your body style and I although it's hard to imagine what I will look like by November 30, 2011 - I can't seem to visualize myself at a normal weight. I have absolutely no frame of reference for it. None, in my adult life. None, in my adolescence. Me being average weight is a fantasy photo in my mind and even that is blurry. I can't SEE it. I can barely imagine it. And that is a huge hurdle to me.
Everyone says you have to believe you can succeed. This, in and of itself, is part of the struggle. I don't know if I will ever truly believe I can be an average weight because I can't quite visualize it.
I sincerely hope that once I get this project really rolling I will believe in the forever. I relish the day that I can look back at some photos from 2009 or 2010 and congratulate myself for losing 50, 75 even 100 lbs.
I view my whole weight loss journey as a huge experiment filled with tests and trials that need checked, and checked again. Truthfully, it's why I try not to beat myself up much. I log a failure (a gain) as a proof positive that "_____" didn't work.
What I can't quite wrap my brain around however is the idea of the "before and after" photos. What will my after photos look like? I came across some old sports photos from 1988 - my junior year in high school. I remember HATING how fat I was and how horrified I was to get my picture taken in the tight softball pants. I also remember that being the last time I was anywhere near normal weight. Even then I was 165 pounds (overweight) according to health charts.
When I found the picture buried in an old box I almost starting crying - I looked fabulous! I mean truly - WOW. What the hell was I thinking? Which leads me to this...
Was that picture the "before" or the "after"?
My weight has been a constant struggle as far back as I can remember. But regardless, my thighs have always rubbed together. Your body style is your body style and I although it's hard to imagine what I will look like by November 30, 2011 - I can't seem to visualize myself at a normal weight. I have absolutely no frame of reference for it. None, in my adult life. None, in my adolescence. Me being average weight is a fantasy photo in my mind and even that is blurry. I can't SEE it. I can barely imagine it. And that is a huge hurdle to me.
Everyone says you have to believe you can succeed. This, in and of itself, is part of the struggle. I don't know if I will ever truly believe I can be an average weight because I can't quite visualize it.
Monday, March 7, 2011
FAIL
As my son loves to say regarding anything that doesn't quite work out how it's supposed to...
FAIL
Today's numbers are not good - nor should they be. I weighed in today at 220. Which means it took about 2 weeks to gain back all the weight I lost during the "starving" week.
What's the lesson here? Simple. I cannot eat whatever I want whenever I want if I'm going to actually make a long term dent in my weight.
Lesson two. Plateaus are REALLY bad for me. I really lose my umph.
Week one - big loss, down 6 (1440 cal a day average)
Week two - nothing, small gain (1559 cal a day average)
Week three - gain all back - total of 6 ( 2256 cal a day average) WHAT???
I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers.
According to their old points program I should shoot for 1300 calories a day. This will be the plan for Week 4. I just love experiments.
I'll let ya' know what happens.
FAIL
Today's numbers are not good - nor should they be. I weighed in today at 220. Which means it took about 2 weeks to gain back all the weight I lost during the "starving" week.
What's the lesson here? Simple. I cannot eat whatever I want whenever I want if I'm going to actually make a long term dent in my weight.
Lesson two. Plateaus are REALLY bad for me. I really lose my umph.
Week one - big loss, down 6 (1440 cal a day average)
Week two - nothing, small gain (1559 cal a day average)
Week three - gain all back - total of 6 ( 2256 cal a day average) WHAT???
I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers.
According to their old points program I should shoot for 1300 calories a day. This will be the plan for Week 4. I just love experiments.
I'll let ya' know what happens.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Seriously -
I think I should start weighing myself on Fridays... I like those numbers much better.
This morning, 217.6. Last Friday - 214.
So, what happened this weekend, huh? No idea. It is true that I ate more than 1400 calories per day. In fact, it looks like when you add in the weekend, I averaged about 1559 calories a day for the week. Saturday and Sunday I posted some big numbers - Sat. 1669, Sun. 2424.
I'm just beside myself and feel like an absolute failure. The first week I felt like I was starving myself at 1440 calories/avg. per day. So, increasing it just a bit I didn't think I was going to see such a huge gain.
I really want to believe in the calorie counting thing. It's logical and makes sense to me - it just doesn't seem to be working.
I resolve to continue this experiment for 2 more weeks and then see where I am. If all else fails - it's back to Atkins... and I so don't want to do that.
This morning, 217.6. Last Friday - 214.
So, what happened this weekend, huh? No idea. It is true that I ate more than 1400 calories per day. In fact, it looks like when you add in the weekend, I averaged about 1559 calories a day for the week. Saturday and Sunday I posted some big numbers - Sat. 1669, Sun. 2424.
I'm just beside myself and feel like an absolute failure. The first week I felt like I was starving myself at 1440 calories/avg. per day. So, increasing it just a bit I didn't think I was going to see such a huge gain.
I really want to believe in the calorie counting thing. It's logical and makes sense to me - it just doesn't seem to be working.
I resolve to continue this experiment for 2 more weeks and then see where I am. If all else fails - it's back to Atkins... and I so don't want to do that.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday weigh in
So, mission accomplished.
I didn't do the measuring tape but according to the scale I was down 6lbs this week.
I was very adamant about everything I chose to eat this past week and although I know it was alot of water weight it still feels good.
After about 3 days of anything you can re-set your normal. I'm hoping that after about 3 weeks of REALLY trying I will have a better understanding of how my body and my metabolism are reacting to this drastic cut in calories.
So, again, for right now... I chalk last week up to success.
I didn't do the measuring tape but according to the scale I was down 6lbs this week.
I was very adamant about everything I chose to eat this past week and although I know it was alot of water weight it still feels good.
After about 3 days of anything you can re-set your normal. I'm hoping that after about 3 weeks of REALLY trying I will have a better understanding of how my body and my metabolism are reacting to this drastic cut in calories.
So, again, for right now... I chalk last week up to success.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
is it working or is it water?
Sometimes I think I am totally in touch with my body and I believe that I actually understand how it works.
Other times, I realize I am being fooled by the food sorcerer known as Salt. At least I think that's his name.
It's Saturday - and after one week of really trying.. I mean no cheating, no rationalizing, no nothing.. I stuck to the damn plan and this morning I'm down 7 pounds. WHAT??? This simply defies logic. Now I will grant you according to the math I should definitely be down. I've been averaging about 1400 calories a day with some obscenely low days thrown in there because I got busy and wanted to see what would happen.
My BMR says I should be churning through about 2845 based on my height and weight so I get that I should be down.... but 7. Shit - you know what that means... a rebound is headed my way. I would love to enjoy the moment, but I know it's bullshit. Sorcerer Salt and his witch Flo just did the deed and these big numbers are water.
I'm thrilled and curious about this big loss but in the back of my mind I can't make it right. It's not logical, and therefore.. probably not right.
Other times, I realize I am being fooled by the food sorcerer known as Salt. At least I think that's his name.
It's Saturday - and after one week of really trying.. I mean no cheating, no rationalizing, no nothing.. I stuck to the damn plan and this morning I'm down 7 pounds. WHAT??? This simply defies logic. Now I will grant you according to the math I should definitely be down. I've been averaging about 1400 calories a day with some obscenely low days thrown in there because I got busy and wanted to see what would happen.
My BMR says I should be churning through about 2845 based on my height and weight so I get that I should be down.... but 7. Shit - you know what that means... a rebound is headed my way. I would love to enjoy the moment, but I know it's bullshit. Sorcerer Salt and his witch Flo just did the deed and these big numbers are water.
I'm thrilled and curious about this big loss but in the back of my mind I can't make it right. It's not logical, and therefore.. probably not right.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Skinny people really do eat less
Note to self -
Thin people really do choose to eat less than fat people.
Just sayin'.
Thin people really do choose to eat less than fat people.
Just sayin'.
Dropping my basket
Sometimes - you just "drop your basket". For the uninitiated, dropping your basket is a reference to a moment in your life when you can no longer hold your emotions in check. It's the moment when all of your rationalizing, all of your resources and all of your function just isn't enough to plow through. It's the early morning haze that you can't cut through that usually leads to some kind of catharsis or at a minimum a moment of clarity and calm.
On Thursday night - I dropped my basket.
After travelling to Las Vegas for a few days I was back at home, back at work and back to reality. As I was walking through the casinos I had all kinds of thoughts that I had no where to put so my theory is I finally put it all together in a 5 layer cake of despair by Thursday. On Thursday night - I added the frosting when I turned on a new A & E show called Heavy. The plot line runs parallel to the Biggest Loser, less the commercialism etc. I thought watching this program might be just enough to get me back on task regarding the eating binge... what it did was start a dialogue with my husband.
Now even in the best of times, my husband and I view the world a little differently. That night he forced me to defend myself and say out loud a few things that had been simmering under the surface for months.
1. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time and energy obsessing about the weight issue.
2. I have the knowledge necessary to correct what I percieve as my "eating disorder".
3. I continually make concious choices to avoid the work of losing weight.
Here's a few things I know for certain.
I make those choices because somewhere in my psyche I know that I don't look or feel that terrible about myself...
As a test - I would like to see what would actually happen if I really did try.
On Thursday night - I dropped my basket.
After travelling to Las Vegas for a few days I was back at home, back at work and back to reality. As I was walking through the casinos I had all kinds of thoughts that I had no where to put so my theory is I finally put it all together in a 5 layer cake of despair by Thursday. On Thursday night - I added the frosting when I turned on a new A & E show called Heavy. The plot line runs parallel to the Biggest Loser, less the commercialism etc. I thought watching this program might be just enough to get me back on task regarding the eating binge... what it did was start a dialogue with my husband.
Now even in the best of times, my husband and I view the world a little differently. That night he forced me to defend myself and say out loud a few things that had been simmering under the surface for months.
1. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time and energy obsessing about the weight issue.
2. I have the knowledge necessary to correct what I percieve as my "eating disorder".
3. I continually make concious choices to avoid the work of losing weight.
Here's a few things I know for certain.
I make those choices because somewhere in my psyche I know that I don't look or feel that terrible about myself...
As a test - I would like to see what would actually happen if I really did try.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Chinese Food for lunch -
In honor of the Chinese New Year - I had to stop by my favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch today.
Yes, it's the year of the rabbit. I am apparently a pig. Really... no shit. I've heard some people refer to my birth year as the year of the boar in an effort to make it sound - oh, I don't know - not so bad. Are you kidding, I'm a pig? Hmmmm - let's look at what THAT is supposed to mean.
According to the descriptions:
People born in the Year of the Pig are chivalrous and gallant. Whatever they do, they do with all their strength. For Boar Year people, there is no left or right and there is no retreat. They have tremendous fortitude and great honesty. They don't make many friends but they make them for life, and anyone having a Boar Year friend is fortunate for they are extremely loyal. They don't talk much but have a great thirst for knowledge. They study a great deal and are generally well informed. Boar people are quick tempered, yet they hate arguments and quarreling. They are kind to their loved ones. No matter how bad problems seem to be, Boar people try to work them out, honestly if sometimes impulsively. They are most compatible with Rabbits and Sheep.
I guess that all sounds pretty good but what I can tell you for sure is that I can make a serious pig out of myself when the spicy Happy Family comes to the table. I ate every last bit of my lunch including the crab rangoon, the salad and the damn egg roll. When I added the whole kit and caboodle up I was looking at about 1000 calorie lunch!
I keep telling myself that once the weather breaks here in the midwest I will be able to better focus on putting some outdoor exercise back into the plan - but, I gotta wonder what is really holding me back. There is no stopping me. Eat one chocolate cookie - I'm going to eat 4. Have one crab rangoon - bring on 3 (minimum). Can I blame my inability to focus on my pig sign.... nope. Sorry. No can do.
Yes, it's the year of the rabbit. I am apparently a pig. Really... no shit. I've heard some people refer to my birth year as the year of the boar in an effort to make it sound - oh, I don't know - not so bad. Are you kidding, I'm a pig? Hmmmm - let's look at what THAT is supposed to mean.
According to the descriptions:
People born in the Year of the Pig are chivalrous and gallant. Whatever they do, they do with all their strength. For Boar Year people, there is no left or right and there is no retreat. They have tremendous fortitude and great honesty. They don't make many friends but they make them for life, and anyone having a Boar Year friend is fortunate for they are extremely loyal. They don't talk much but have a great thirst for knowledge. They study a great deal and are generally well informed. Boar people are quick tempered, yet they hate arguments and quarreling. They are kind to their loved ones. No matter how bad problems seem to be, Boar people try to work them out, honestly if sometimes impulsively. They are most compatible with Rabbits and Sheep.
I guess that all sounds pretty good but what I can tell you for sure is that I can make a serious pig out of myself when the spicy Happy Family comes to the table. I ate every last bit of my lunch including the crab rangoon, the salad and the damn egg roll. When I added the whole kit and caboodle up I was looking at about 1000 calorie lunch!
I keep telling myself that once the weather breaks here in the midwest I will be able to better focus on putting some outdoor exercise back into the plan - but, I gotta wonder what is really holding me back. There is no stopping me. Eat one chocolate cookie - I'm going to eat 4. Have one crab rangoon - bring on 3 (minimum). Can I blame my inability to focus on my pig sign.... nope. Sorry. No can do.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A wasted month -
Well, I could absolutely scream.
I chose not to even post anything yesterday because I needed a day to work out in my head where I am failing myself.
Monday stats:
Weight - (back up to - 221)
waist - 41
hips - 51
OK. Now, before I over-react let's work this one through.
Apparently, it makes absolute and complete sense that I didn't lose a damn pound after an entire month yo-yo dieting (should we call it cycling? - I suppose that is another post)
Anyway - back to the math here. According to my charts on www.FatSecret.com I should be down 5.5 lbs. This of course is predicated by the fact that the computer assumes a certain amount of calories as expenditures or exercise. And, a certain amount of calories that you enter into the system. Clearly - this system is wrong.
Follow the logic here -
a. I account for every morsel that crosses my lips. Calorie intake is true
b. I let the computer account for the METs I am supposedly using on the exercise quotient. Exercise must then be false.
c. I should check to see what kind of calories I'm really burning...
So, I did.
Between cheating on the food side (my average calories per day for January were 2009)
And the computer saying my base exercise is 2380.
I'm stagnant.
Time to step it up a notch. I'm going to use a new formula. I'm going to stick to calories.
More on this to follow....
I chose not to even post anything yesterday because I needed a day to work out in my head where I am failing myself.
Monday stats:
Weight - (back up to - 221)
waist - 41
hips - 51
OK. Now, before I over-react let's work this one through.
Apparently, it makes absolute and complete sense that I didn't lose a damn pound after an entire month yo-yo dieting (should we call it cycling? - I suppose that is another post)
Anyway - back to the math here. According to my charts on www.FatSecret.com I should be down 5.5 lbs. This of course is predicated by the fact that the computer assumes a certain amount of calories as expenditures or exercise. And, a certain amount of calories that you enter into the system. Clearly - this system is wrong.
Follow the logic here -
a. I account for every morsel that crosses my lips. Calorie intake is true
b. I let the computer account for the METs I am supposedly using on the exercise quotient. Exercise must then be false.
c. I should check to see what kind of calories I'm really burning...
So, I did.
Between cheating on the food side (my average calories per day for January were 2009)
And the computer saying my base exercise is 2380.
I'm stagnant.
Time to step it up a notch. I'm going to use a new formula. I'm going to stick to calories.
More on this to follow....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Does it really hurt THAT BAD?
I hate people who create situations in an effort to set themselves apart.
Yes, I used the word hate.
Yes, that's a roundabout way of getting to my point.
Like every woman I know, I've got my own series "used-to-be's" that I can claim as my own. "I used to be a basketball star in high school." Or "I used to be funny." Add to that list - "I used to be an aerobics instructor." Which - by the way is 100% true.
I came into the aerobics thing the usual way and although I was very good at it I ended up going back to work full time and between the job, and my kids I didn't have a couple of hours a day to hang out at the gym. I truly and sincerely miss it. I mean I REALLY got into it. I got the certifications, I ran the department, I still see women who were in my classes who wonder if I will ever teach again. I rocked that job.
As a certified personal trainer I met with all kinds of women who were looking to accomplish any number of things. Of course, 90% of them were all looking for the golden nugget of exercise that would get rid of their baby pouch, or inner thighs or back arm waddle. I did my best to explain to them that they never really would until they dropped the extra fat surrounding the muscle that they were trying to strengthen. That being said, I still worked them through their paces and did my best to get them to feel better about themselves... all the while carrying an extra 50lbs myself and struggling to follow my own advice.
The one thing I could never understand however and still can't get a handle is weakness. "I just can't do that because I have bad knees." Or, my favorite - "I can't run/walk/move because I get shin splints/a sore back/pain my muscles"- AAAHHHH!!!
SHUT-UP.
You get bad knees, shin splints, sore backs and pain precisely because you don't exercise. Your sedentary bullshit has weakened all the muscles that help those joints move. Granted, I concede that people may have disease or acute pain that can be accommodated for during exercise. There are ways around virtually any exercise induced stresses - it's called changing the exercise! Not - choosing not to participate.
Yes, I used the word hate.
Yes, that's a roundabout way of getting to my point.
Like every woman I know, I've got my own series "used-to-be's" that I can claim as my own. "I used to be a basketball star in high school." Or "I used to be funny." Add to that list - "I used to be an aerobics instructor." Which - by the way is 100% true.
I came into the aerobics thing the usual way and although I was very good at it I ended up going back to work full time and between the job, and my kids I didn't have a couple of hours a day to hang out at the gym. I truly and sincerely miss it. I mean I REALLY got into it. I got the certifications, I ran the department, I still see women who were in my classes who wonder if I will ever teach again. I rocked that job.
As a certified personal trainer I met with all kinds of women who were looking to accomplish any number of things. Of course, 90% of them were all looking for the golden nugget of exercise that would get rid of their baby pouch, or inner thighs or back arm waddle. I did my best to explain to them that they never really would until they dropped the extra fat surrounding the muscle that they were trying to strengthen. That being said, I still worked them through their paces and did my best to get them to feel better about themselves... all the while carrying an extra 50lbs myself and struggling to follow my own advice.
The one thing I could never understand however and still can't get a handle is weakness. "I just can't do that because I have bad knees." Or, my favorite - "I can't run/walk/move because I get shin splints/a sore back/pain my muscles"- AAAHHHH!!!
SHUT-UP.
You get bad knees, shin splints, sore backs and pain precisely because you don't exercise. Your sedentary bullshit has weakened all the muscles that help those joints move. Granted, I concede that people may have disease or acute pain that can be accommodated for during exercise. There are ways around virtually any exercise induced stresses - it's called changing the exercise! Not - choosing not to participate.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Eagle dream... hope for a new day?
So, normally I don't put too much stock in my dreams. I think that usually my dreams are average, data sorting kinds of dreams where I reset everything and get ready for a new day.
Sometimes though, the dreams are very vivid and extremely clear. I remember distinct parts or feelings that are associated with the dream when I wake up and anytime I wake up remembering a dream - I guess I assume those are the ones I should pay attention to.
There should have been no logical reason why I had this particular dream on this particular night but a few nights ago I woke in the morning having seen an eagle. I hadn't been watching or reading about eagles, or the wilderness or even government (yeah, that last one is stretch - but...)
I was in an airplane and quite content looking out at the clouds and the sky from my coach seat. I don't think the coach seat means much other than I've always wanted to fly first class just once. Anyway - I was looking at the clouds and the colors and was feeling quite content when I notice and eagle flying straight toward my window. Never mind we were 30,000 feet up - this eagle was soaring straight at my window. He started as a pinprick and kept getting closer. I felt inspired and in the dream was happy to be witnessing this beautiful bird soaring straight at me so I could get a closer look. I was enthusiastic about the fact that you sometimes forget how beautiful the eagle is and just when I decided "yeah, eagles are really awesome birds" I got scared. The eagle was getting closer and I was really worried because I thought it was going to hit the plane and die. It was very close now and at the last minute it veered off. I didn't see it again but I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew the bird had flown away from the plane and would be fine.
When I woke up I remembered all of this quite clearly. It was days ago when I had this dream and I can still see it in my minds eye. The pinks and blues of the sky, the eagle, the veering off.
So - I thought I should probably do a little follow up on this one. This was definitely not a left brain analytical. This was my right brain trying to tell me something. Good or bad, I wanted to know.
Apparently - there are a couple of different ways to look at this... but here is what I found:
Eagle Dream Meaning
Psychological Meaning: The eagle is a powerful bird that may represent a powerful intellectual or spiritual abilities. For a Christian it may represent John the Evangelist and for an American it may be a symbol of your country.
Mystical Meaning: Early man considered eagles to be messengers from Sun god. In your dreams, it may be a messenger from your unconscious. Mythology often has stories of the eagle and the lion or the eagle and the snake. These stories are dream symbols that represent psychological opposites such as spiritual/animal, male/female, conscious/ unconscious and thought/instinct. Superstition says that to dream of an eagle is an omen for fame and fortune.
or this:
Eagle
Carl Jung said that birds represent thoughts while birds in flight symbolize moving and changing thoughts. Birds are generally associated with freedom and abandon. In old dream interpretation books, birds are considered lucky omens. Doves and eagles are generally spiritual symbols. Your dream depends on its details, but if the birds in your dream were flying free, it may be symbolic of spiritual, psychological, or physical freedom.
or this:
Eagles
To see one soaring above you, interpret lofty ambitions which you will struggle fiercely to realize, nevertheless you will gain your desires.
So.... I say yeah! It's hard to decide which one of these I like the best and usually I've got more than one plan cooking at a time. But, if there's any truth to any of this and if it has anything to do with my get skinny plan, there may still be hope for a new day.
Sometimes though, the dreams are very vivid and extremely clear. I remember distinct parts or feelings that are associated with the dream when I wake up and anytime I wake up remembering a dream - I guess I assume those are the ones I should pay attention to.
There should have been no logical reason why I had this particular dream on this particular night but a few nights ago I woke in the morning having seen an eagle. I hadn't been watching or reading about eagles, or the wilderness or even government (yeah, that last one is stretch - but...)
I was in an airplane and quite content looking out at the clouds and the sky from my coach seat. I don't think the coach seat means much other than I've always wanted to fly first class just once. Anyway - I was looking at the clouds and the colors and was feeling quite content when I notice and eagle flying straight toward my window. Never mind we were 30,000 feet up - this eagle was soaring straight at my window. He started as a pinprick and kept getting closer. I felt inspired and in the dream was happy to be witnessing this beautiful bird soaring straight at me so I could get a closer look. I was enthusiastic about the fact that you sometimes forget how beautiful the eagle is and just when I decided "yeah, eagles are really awesome birds" I got scared. The eagle was getting closer and I was really worried because I thought it was going to hit the plane and die. It was very close now and at the last minute it veered off. I didn't see it again but I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew the bird had flown away from the plane and would be fine.
When I woke up I remembered all of this quite clearly. It was days ago when I had this dream and I can still see it in my minds eye. The pinks and blues of the sky, the eagle, the veering off.
So - I thought I should probably do a little follow up on this one. This was definitely not a left brain analytical. This was my right brain trying to tell me something. Good or bad, I wanted to know.
Apparently - there are a couple of different ways to look at this... but here is what I found:
Eagle Dream Meaning
Psychological Meaning: The eagle is a powerful bird that may represent a powerful intellectual or spiritual abilities. For a Christian it may represent John the Evangelist and for an American it may be a symbol of your country.Mystical Meaning: Early man considered eagles to be messengers from Sun god. In your dreams, it may be a messenger from your unconscious. Mythology often has stories of the eagle and the lion or the eagle and the snake. These stories are dream symbols that represent psychological opposites such as spiritual/animal, male/female, conscious/ unconscious and thought/instinct. Superstition says that to dream of an eagle is an omen for fame and fortune. or this:
Eagle
Carl Jung said that birds represent thoughts while birds in flight symbolize moving and changing thoughts. Birds are generally associated with freedom and abandon. In old dream interpretation books, birds are considered lucky omens. Doves and eagles are generally spiritual symbols. Your dream depends on its details, but if the birds in your dream were flying free, it may be symbolic of spiritual, psychological, or physical freedom.
or this:
Eagles
To see one soaring above you, interpret lofty ambitions which you will struggle fiercely to realize, nevertheless you will gain your desires.
So.... I say yeah! It's hard to decide which one of these I like the best and usually I've got more than one plan cooking at a time. But, if there's any truth to any of this and if it has anything to do with my get skinny plan, there may still be hope for a new day.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Trouble already -
This is supposed to simple. Math is math and numbers are numbers so I'm already pissed off and anxious that my calculations are not working how they are supposed to.
Here's the stats.
219.2
waist, no measure
hips, no measure
(it was freezing in my house today, and I forgot)
All of that notwithstanding, talk me through this.
One pound equals 3500 kcal.
So - if you create a calorie defecit of 3500 you should lose one pound.
The problem is, according to my food and exercise records I should be down 4.5 and I'm only down 2.
Of course (again, math is math) then you've got to assume the obvious. Either I am undercounting my calories or overestimating my exercise. I swear I am not. In fact, I default to the opposite. I always overestimate the food. I add in everything - I mean everything - the ketchup, the butter, the two bites of bread... all of it. I absolutely do not forget or cheat. I want to know if this is going to work. So, could it be the exercise... no. I default to absolutely sedentary even though I am not.
What the hell? Super frustrated and annoyed and I'm only one month in. If I don't knock off three pounds by the end of the month I'm already off target. Shit, shit and shit again... should I shoot for a starvation diet just to get this thing going?
Damn it.
Here's the stats.
219.2
waist, no measure
hips, no measure
(it was freezing in my house today, and I forgot)
All of that notwithstanding, talk me through this.
One pound equals 3500 kcal.
So - if you create a calorie defecit of 3500 you should lose one pound.
The problem is, according to my food and exercise records I should be down 4.5 and I'm only down 2.
Of course (again, math is math) then you've got to assume the obvious. Either I am undercounting my calories or overestimating my exercise. I swear I am not. In fact, I default to the opposite. I always overestimate the food. I add in everything - I mean everything - the ketchup, the butter, the two bites of bread... all of it. I absolutely do not forget or cheat. I want to know if this is going to work. So, could it be the exercise... no. I default to absolutely sedentary even though I am not.
What the hell? Super frustrated and annoyed and I'm only one month in. If I don't knock off three pounds by the end of the month I'm already off target. Shit, shit and shit again... should I shoot for a starvation diet just to get this thing going?
Damn it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
So, what's the deal with the shoes?
Fat girls approach shoes like skinny women look at... well, every other thing in their closet.
At 39, I've spent my life moving through groups of very good friends. There's the high school group, the college group, the young mom group, the career group. These groups of women have always been there for me and they're part of what made me who I am. They have also always been smaller than me. Thinner, feminine and sometimes downright girly.
So, for years, there has always been that moment when you find yourself with nothing to do but go "shopping" with your girlfriends. This can be devastating... unless you find the shoe department.
The plain truth is a fat girl can always buy shoes. She can buy purses, accessories, scarves and makeup too... but even a cheap pair of cute shoes can turn a shopping trip with your girlfriends around.
Now don't get me wrong. My lovely (and little) friends make it a priority to get me to the fat lady section of major department stores and faun all over me in those "plus size" stores. But it sucks. I mean really sucks- that they have to do that. And that is when they start to get a small taste of what it's like to walk in my shoes. At these stores they shop for accessories, and scarves and... shoes.
So this journey is a bit about never having to buy shoes again. Just one time in my life I would like to be able to walk into any store and treat myself to something right off the rack - in my size - in the regular sized clothing area. Not the plus size department, buried at the back of the store... far away from the action... far away from life. This year, I would like to end up average - and believe me, I never thought I would say that out loud.
At 39, I've spent my life moving through groups of very good friends. There's the high school group, the college group, the young mom group, the career group. These groups of women have always been there for me and they're part of what made me who I am. They have also always been smaller than me. Thinner, feminine and sometimes downright girly.
So, for years, there has always been that moment when you find yourself with nothing to do but go "shopping" with your girlfriends. This can be devastating... unless you find the shoe department.
The plain truth is a fat girl can always buy shoes. She can buy purses, accessories, scarves and makeup too... but even a cheap pair of cute shoes can turn a shopping trip with your girlfriends around.
Now don't get me wrong. My lovely (and little) friends make it a priority to get me to the fat lady section of major department stores and faun all over me in those "plus size" stores. But it sucks. I mean really sucks- that they have to do that. And that is when they start to get a small taste of what it's like to walk in my shoes. At these stores they shop for accessories, and scarves and... shoes.
So this journey is a bit about never having to buy shoes again. Just one time in my life I would like to be able to walk into any store and treat myself to something right off the rack - in my size - in the regular sized clothing area. Not the plus size department, buried at the back of the store... far away from the action... far away from life. This year, I would like to end up average - and believe me, I never thought I would say that out loud.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Stats
So here's the stats.
In January of 2010 I started off the year at 244. I was every bit of a size 22.
I spent 2010 running a bit and focusing on organic eating sprinkled with major binges and months of inactivity. All told - I ended up the year at 221. (down 23 - not even 10% of my body weight - shit)
Fast forward to January of 2011. The jumping off point here is 221. I'm wearing a size 18. My waist size is a 41 and my hips a 52.
I'm going to post these three stats every Monday.
Here's the plan.
My goal is to lose 5 lbs a month every month with the deadline November 30, 2011. My 40th birthday.
If successful I will be 166 on my 40th and I'm here to tell you I haven't seen 166 since I was about 18.
Simple, right?
In January of 2010 I started off the year at 244. I was every bit of a size 22.
I spent 2010 running a bit and focusing on organic eating sprinkled with major binges and months of inactivity. All told - I ended up the year at 221. (down 23 - not even 10% of my body weight - shit)
Fast forward to January of 2011. The jumping off point here is 221. I'm wearing a size 18. My waist size is a 41 and my hips a 52.
I'm going to post these three stats every Monday.
Here's the plan.
My goal is to lose 5 lbs a month every month with the deadline November 30, 2011. My 40th birthday.
If successful I will be 166 on my 40th and I'm here to tell you I haven't seen 166 since I was about 18.
Simple, right?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
- and, so it begins
There are a few things that are true.
Fat girls always love shoes. Fat girls really do have to try harder. Fat girls look at the world a little differently.
I used to not care too much about being a fat girl but that was before I checked the calendar, checked my life and realized the clock was ticking....
Although I've tried this time and time again - this round I am holding myself responsible for all the mistakes and the triumphs. This will be my last ditch effort at safe, ongoing, healthy weight loss.
If you're reading this - I'm not sure how you got here, but welcome.
I'm doing this for me (but enjoy the ride.)
Fat girls always love shoes. Fat girls really do have to try harder. Fat girls look at the world a little differently.
I used to not care too much about being a fat girl but that was before I checked the calendar, checked my life and realized the clock was ticking....
Although I've tried this time and time again - this round I am holding myself responsible for all the mistakes and the triumphs. This will be my last ditch effort at safe, ongoing, healthy weight loss.
If you're reading this - I'm not sure how you got here, but welcome.
I'm doing this for me (but enjoy the ride.)
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