I always feel like I need to post something after travel. I suppose that's because I usually find myself with time on my hands to slow down and look around when I'm not at home trudging through my normal routine.
So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits.
I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses. I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up.
This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat. She macerated her food. I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed. She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to. I could not stop staring. And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.
By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites. By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate. Then, she said she was full. Then she wanted attention because she was "so full". Then, I wanted to throw up for her.
Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?
Hmmm.
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Guilty... or not?
It's been over a month since my last confession...
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
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