Sometimes - you just "drop your basket". For the uninitiated, dropping your basket is a reference to a moment in your life when you can no longer hold your emotions in check. It's the moment when all of your rationalizing, all of your resources and all of your function just isn't enough to plow through. It's the early morning haze that you can't cut through that usually leads to some kind of catharsis or at a minimum a moment of clarity and calm.
On Thursday night - I dropped my basket.
After travelling to Las Vegas for a few days I was back at home, back at work and back to reality. As I was walking through the casinos I had all kinds of thoughts that I had no where to put so my theory is I finally put it all together in a 5 layer cake of despair by Thursday. On Thursday night - I added the frosting when I turned on a new A & E show called Heavy. The plot line runs parallel to the Biggest Loser, less the commercialism etc. I thought watching this program might be just enough to get me back on task regarding the eating binge... what it did was start a dialogue with my husband.
Now even in the best of times, my husband and I view the world a little differently. That night he forced me to defend myself and say out loud a few things that had been simmering under the surface for months.
1. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time and energy obsessing about the weight issue.
2. I have the knowledge necessary to correct what I percieve as my "eating disorder".
3. I continually make concious choices to avoid the work of losing weight.
Here's a few things I know for certain.
I make those choices because somewhere in my psyche I know that I don't look or feel that terrible about myself...
As a test - I would like to see what would actually happen if I really did try.
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