Drizzle

Somedays at work I just don't "have it."  As anyone who has struggled knows, you can rationalize yourself into or out of anything.  So, after cleaning up the emails and some minor messes I was left with an afternoon of time to fill and very little to fill it with.   Back in grade school I always got O for outstanding on "spends time wisely".  I hate not having something to do.

So - I stepped outside into a drizzle.  It was the kind of drizzle you can't quite see at first.  You can feel it but it's not really rain.  It's there, but not obvious.  You know it is happening because you're getting wet but there is no visual proof.  At least there's no real visual proof... right away.  If you stop, stand still, and let your eyes relax out of focus a bit - it's there.  It's hard to see (because you keep wanting to really look for it) but if you focus on NOT focusing it pops right back into view like those mind drawings people send around the internet.  You know, if you look at it one way it is an old man, look at it another and it is a woman with a hat?

I've always been about the symbolism in life.  Sun, rain, talismans.  I attach meaning to all sorts of things.  I still love my high school english teacher who obsessed over metaphorical symbolism from the literary greats.  So when I think rain, or water for that matter, I get all sorts of images about cleansing and the "washing away" of things.  

So, here I am.  Back inside and thinking about how this drizzle is so hard to see.  How this water is ever so gently washing the world.  You've got to be relaxed and let yourself unfocus to see it's work... to feel it's work.  What, exactly, does all this mean?

Just like some people can't see the forest for the trees, maybe on some journeys you can't be clean until you unfocus.  I think I get caught up in all the point counting and the activity tracking (or lack therof) and just can't see this little experiment for what it is - an experiment. 

The ongoing dialogue in my head is absolutely exhausting:
"follow the program, eat the right amount of points"
"but I like this other thing"
"ok, just have a little"
"uhh... I don't know when I'll get this again - and it's my favorite"
"ok, fine - make up for it tomorrow"
Except the tomorrow never comes.  And I berate myself for days. 

Every day is a failure.  Every night - a renewed pledge to try again.  Then - the dialogue.

Maybe it's time I unfocus a bit.  Create a simple to follow week long plan and follow it.  Stop focusing on all the options and the maybes.

Cleansing away 25 years of negative self talk is not easy.  This dialogue is very familiar to me.   

I need to let the drizzle do it's job - and if I want to see it - I need to relax and unfocus a bit.

Perhaps.