The Cow Girl

I always feel like I need to post something after travel.  I suppose that's because I usually find myself with time on my hands to slow down and look around when I'm not at home trudging through my normal routine. 

So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits. 

I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses.  I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal.  I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up. 

This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat.  She macerated her food.  I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed.  She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to.  I could not stop staring.  And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.   

By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites.  By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate.  Then, she said she was full.  Then she wanted attention because she was "so full".  Then, I wanted to throw up for her.

Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!!  Are you fucking kidding me?  I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum. 

Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?

Hmmm. 
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow

Guilty... or not?

It's been over a month since my last confession...

I'm not even sure where to begin.

So, I suppose we back up to mid July.  July has become my 50,000 mile check up month.  For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills.  Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event.  And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them.  Every year (this one included) I failed.

Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts...  yeah, that didn't happen.  I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out.  Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away. 

I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity.  When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great.  No guilt.  I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though. 

Confession - I judge and I compare.  I think this is because I am looking for validation.  I feel horribly guilty about all of this.  I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people.  I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories.  But this all seems superficial sometimes.  I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard...  one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.

So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend.  This one is work related and usually not much fun.  In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event.  Not one, not anywhere.  In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs.  Nada, nothing.  I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago.  But this time... completely different story.  

So - back to guilt. 
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?

I need to look at why I want all these things.  Why do I need external validation in the first place?

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

Letter to me -

I was jumping around the internet today and I found a project where a bunch of celebrities wrote letters to their 16 year old selves.      I'm no Brad Paisley, but I started thinking about what I would write..

Hi Honey -                                                                              7-1-2011 (from you, at 40)

I am writing to you today to let you know everything is probably not going to work out how you want it to.
It's OK though... some things are simply meant to be.  Everything you think about fate and faith is probably true.  Stick to your guns - you only end up pissing off a couple of people along the way (and they all end up forgiving you)

To take a few things off your mind -
You will have a date to the prom
You will not get pregnant before you get married (and you won't have to get married because you are pregnant)
You'll always have awesome friends
You will not be rich but you'll have a great life
You will not always love your job - but you'll be damn good at it

Some things you should do in high school-
You have way more going for you than you think you do, break up with that guy now 
Put yourself out there a little bit more and give people a chance

Some things you should do in college-
I know you want to go into radio or TV but if there's any way you can pull off a double major in education- do it, I'd like my summer free please
Date more

Some things you might want to work on now (to save you /me the stress later)-
You're headed for fat - keep working out now... you'll have way more fun if you're not constantly obsessed with the weight thing
Don't forget to try to stay in touch with the people who come in and out of your life... you will miss them later

And finally -
Regardless of how tired you are - keep saying yes!  It's what makes you/me who we are.
Yes to new things
Yes to hard jobs
Yes to learning
Yes to life....

XOXOXO
Me

the 23 point salad

A couple of weight watchers meetings ago, the topic of the week was breakfast.  There was all sorts of chit-chat about how important it was to eat breakfast .  This, of course, opened up a discussion about different tricks for getting a filling a breakfast on a few points.

My leader (god, how I hate to call her that) was mortified when I announced that I skipped breakfast a couple of times of week because I couldn't afford to use up the points. 

"Everyone has room for just 4 points"
"Well, I suppose most people do... just not me everyday"
"Why don't you tell me what you eat for breakfast, when you do eat"
"ok... uh,  an egg white omelet or Special K with fat free milk"
"that sounds reasonable"
(NO SHIT LADY - THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TRIP TO THE RODEO)
"thanks"

What she didn't press me for, was why I would feel like I didn't have enough points during the day to warrant blowing 4 or more on breakfast.

Answer - The 23 point salad.

Here in the armpit of America there are lots of folks who subscribe to "Taste of Home" cookery.  Although this is an entirely different topic for another day - understand that includes adding butter or fried something to just about anything.

Enter - the Ohio salad.  Maybe it's because I didn't grow up here or maybe it's because I just wasn't paying attention 20 years ago where I did grow up, but since when did salads come with fries on top? 
Alot of fries.
and steak
and copious amounts of cheese
and croutons
and raspberry vinaigrette dressing (full strength)?

Now do not misread me.  This is not to say I do not love, love, love the "steak salad".  I do. 
I love it enough to eat every bit of the 23 points it cost me today. 
Bring on the fries dripping in vinaigrette baby. 
If I could have washed the whole damn thing down with a beer I would have. 
Instead I topped it off with... a god damned jelly donut (yep, that's back in the mix). 

So - at the close of business today I will have eaten all but 1 of my available points.

I wonder if my leader has any great ideas for a 1 point dinner.  Ok, - so seriously putting the sarcasm there in check - really, truly - anybody have a 1 point dinner idea?  

 I'm going to be hungry.

Drizzle

Somedays at work I just don't "have it."  As anyone who has struggled knows, you can rationalize yourself into or out of anything.  So, after cleaning up the emails and some minor messes I was left with an afternoon of time to fill and very little to fill it with.   Back in grade school I always got O for outstanding on "spends time wisely".  I hate not having something to do.

So - I stepped outside into a drizzle.  It was the kind of drizzle you can't quite see at first.  You can feel it but it's not really rain.  It's there, but not obvious.  You know it is happening because you're getting wet but there is no visual proof.  At least there's no real visual proof... right away.  If you stop, stand still, and let your eyes relax out of focus a bit - it's there.  It's hard to see (because you keep wanting to really look for it) but if you focus on NOT focusing it pops right back into view like those mind drawings people send around the internet.  You know, if you look at it one way it is an old man, look at it another and it is a woman with a hat?

I've always been about the symbolism in life.  Sun, rain, talismans.  I attach meaning to all sorts of things.  I still love my high school english teacher who obsessed over metaphorical symbolism from the literary greats.  So when I think rain, or water for that matter, I get all sorts of images about cleansing and the "washing away" of things.  

So, here I am.  Back inside and thinking about how this drizzle is so hard to see.  How this water is ever so gently washing the world.  You've got to be relaxed and let yourself unfocus to see it's work... to feel it's work.  What, exactly, does all this mean?

Just like some people can't see the forest for the trees, maybe on some journeys you can't be clean until you unfocus.  I think I get caught up in all the point counting and the activity tracking (or lack therof) and just can't see this little experiment for what it is - an experiment. 

The ongoing dialogue in my head is absolutely exhausting:
"follow the program, eat the right amount of points"
"but I like this other thing"
"ok, just have a little"
"uhh... I don't know when I'll get this again - and it's my favorite"
"ok, fine - make up for it tomorrow"
Except the tomorrow never comes.  And I berate myself for days. 

Every day is a failure.  Every night - a renewed pledge to try again.  Then - the dialogue.

Maybe it's time I unfocus a bit.  Create a simple to follow week long plan and follow it.  Stop focusing on all the options and the maybes.

Cleansing away 25 years of negative self talk is not easy.  This dialogue is very familiar to me.   

I need to let the drizzle do it's job - and if I want to see it - I need to relax and unfocus a bit.

Perhaps. 

I NEED crunchy things..

I made it through the weekend with weekly points still in reserve!  Yea for me.

And although I'm off to a banner day (good lunch and good breakfast) by the time 3:30 hit I was ready to eat half a bag of potato chips.  Fruit and protein just don't have that satisfying crunch.  Neither do carrots or celery or anything else on the "approved" list.

So - again, fiending through my office trying to find anything... I found two, very old, very stale plain rice cakes.

UGH.

I feel like I ate Styrofoam.  They crunched though, so I suppose that is something.

Lots of points left for dinner.  Today, there is hope.

Lunch at Sam's Club

I'm not quite sure what it is about Sam's Club but I just love having lunch there.  It is a sad commentary on my life that I actually don't mind having to run there during my lunch break to grab a few things.

First of all, the Caesar salad in a box is hard to beat.  The pizza is cheap and they have this iced tea that is one of my faves.  But I think the real reason I love eating at Sam's club (on those portable white picnic tables) is because it is absolutely anonymous. 

I could literally sit there for an hour watching the people come through the lines with the piles and piles of supplies.  And, of course, I simply cannot stop myself from looking... nay, dare I say staring at them and their purchases.  It's a story tellers dream. 

Today there was the guy who bought an entire cart load of Clorox wipes.  I mean they come in a 4-pack and this guy had about 30 of these things stacked up.  This guy gets enough Clorox wipes to clean up a dead body... and, a bag of chips.

How about the very metropolitan looking mom carrying a designer purse who's going through the line buying nothing but boxes and boxes of Fiber one bars.   Laxative issues, yep?  That's my guess.

If you've ever lived or worked in Ohio - you will understand this next one.  Bubba and his wife are rolling through the checkout.  Everybody is tatted up with their NASCAR gear on and the group is buying a trampoline, a package of steaks, a bag of croutons and a case of beer.  Hot damn - that's an Ohio weekend in paradise right there...

Don't call me judgemental man - just call it having a little creative fun.