As I move through my life (notice move through - not move into) I am one of those people who actually thinks about it. I truly try to see the good in people. I am optimistic even when things go wrong. I try not to worry, and when things go wrong I'm usually pretty successful in finding a way to turn it into a positive. I am one of those people who chooses to be happy when it is usually quite clear there is no reason to be.
Today - is not one of those days.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing is any different than any other day. It's just that today, I am seeing the world without my rose colored glasses and it really, truly sucks.
I live in Ohio. Dull, grey, ugly Ohio. And, no - it's not Columbus or Cleveland or even Cincinnati. It's nowheresville. No culture, no restaurants, no music scene, there's not even a god damned bookstore within 30 miles. Nothing. Where I live there are no dance clubs, no historic house tours, no horse training stables, no yacht clubs, no.... nothing. And it's sad.
All of my greatest ideas, all my contributions to the world that I think I might one day make are as stagnant as the water here. Nothing moves. We just circle and rant and circle again.
At the very least it would be nice to say it's safe or a good place to raise your family. Except for that there is no industry and consequently no money. With a dead economy, people here lock their doors and their minds. Raising my sons in this void, I hope I have the strength to show them what the world could be.
Today, my rose colored glasses are not on - and everything is grey.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I think I'm a creeper - and, thanks
I have only two weeks left to b-day and with the clock ticking I am still pretty confident that I will reach the goals I laid out for myself this year.
I will hit 40 a nicer person
I will weigh less at 40 than I did at 20
I will not be smoking - even if I quit that day damn it...
This blog was my method of keeping myself in check, but it has turned into a silent addiction. It's not that I post constantly, because I don't. But I find myself checking in with other people via their blogs. And frankly, I'm hooked.
I thought I knew it before but I am absolutely convinced now that there is a quiet majority of people out there that all seem to struggle with the same issues.
I thought I was clever until I laughed out loud reading one blog.
I thought I was informed, until I started researching some options and found out I was late to the party.
I thought I was funny, I thought I was alone, I thought I was mean, I thought I was an athlete, I thought I was all sorts of things... and I am. Just like dozens of other people floating in the ethos - drinking at Starbucks, and going to jobs they can't stand either.
I've used their arguments at cocktail parties and their games at tailgates. I've used their inspiration and their stories. In fact, I thought I used them all up - until I found more... and more... and more...
There are alot of us out there. That makes me feel a little bit better. I'm sorry I will never meet you. I think some of you would have been my friends.
I will hit 40 a nicer person
I will weigh less at 40 than I did at 20
I will not be smoking - even if I quit that day damn it...
This blog was my method of keeping myself in check, but it has turned into a silent addiction. It's not that I post constantly, because I don't. But I find myself checking in with other people via their blogs. And frankly, I'm hooked.
I thought I knew it before but I am absolutely convinced now that there is a quiet majority of people out there that all seem to struggle with the same issues.
I thought I was clever until I laughed out loud reading one blog.
I thought I was informed, until I started researching some options and found out I was late to the party.
I thought I was funny, I thought I was alone, I thought I was mean, I thought I was an athlete, I thought I was all sorts of things... and I am. Just like dozens of other people floating in the ethos - drinking at Starbucks, and going to jobs they can't stand either.
I've used their arguments at cocktail parties and their games at tailgates. I've used their inspiration and their stories. In fact, I thought I used them all up - until I found more... and more... and more...
There are alot of us out there. That makes me feel a little bit better. I'm sorry I will never meet you. I think some of you would have been my friends.
Friday, September 30, 2011
60 day window
60 days sounds like a ton of time but in essence, it's just 8 short weeks to my birthday.
Looking back on the plan, I think I can see the end... and I'm nervous. I usually save my energy for most things until they are due. I finish work at the last minute, I train right before, I used to pull overnighters to study. Apparently, I saved up some of my energy till the last minute on this one too.
I have been unusually unconcerned while strangely obsessed with my "turning 40 plan". I think I am a bit of a visual learner so I filled a jar with stones and left it on my dresser as a reminder. One beautiful blue stone for each Sunday left before November 30. Every week I take another stone out of the jar as a reminder of how quickly the days and weeks fly by.
I make choices everyday, and everyday day gets graded on a curve. Yes to the fries, no to the cake, yes to the bland no calorie Special K chips, no to the pizza. I have been trying to change my habits.... but I like my habits. I am forever telling my kids that they need to "step out of their comfort zone" if they are ever going to learn something new about themselves.
I think I should take my own advice.
I thought September was going to be workout month (everyday). Turns out, that might need to be October instead... 1800 calories and 3 days of workouts a week is normal. If I want to see changes I will need to cut back on the cal, and increase the workouts. So goes the plan..
Looking back on the plan, I think I can see the end... and I'm nervous. I usually save my energy for most things until they are due. I finish work at the last minute, I train right before, I used to pull overnighters to study. Apparently, I saved up some of my energy till the last minute on this one too.
I have been unusually unconcerned while strangely obsessed with my "turning 40 plan". I think I am a bit of a visual learner so I filled a jar with stones and left it on my dresser as a reminder. One beautiful blue stone for each Sunday left before November 30. Every week I take another stone out of the jar as a reminder of how quickly the days and weeks fly by.
I make choices everyday, and everyday day gets graded on a curve. Yes to the fries, no to the cake, yes to the bland no calorie Special K chips, no to the pizza. I have been trying to change my habits.... but I like my habits. I am forever telling my kids that they need to "step out of their comfort zone" if they are ever going to learn something new about themselves.
I think I should take my own advice.
I thought September was going to be workout month (everyday). Turns out, that might need to be October instead... 1800 calories and 3 days of workouts a week is normal. If I want to see changes I will need to cut back on the cal, and increase the workouts. So goes the plan..
Monday, September 12, 2011
hells yeah, i did...
So, we're more than half way to B-day - November 30 - and several months ago I decided I was going to set my sights on the Warrior Dash.
For the uninitiated - go here!
The warrior dash is a 3.1 mile obstacle course meets 5k through mud, water and fire. I was pretty sure I could run it, I was not sure my body would deliver on the obstacles. I talked a few friends into going with me and I am so happy I did. It was AWESOME. It was hard, and easy and fun and a little scary and everything I had hoped it would be.
Of course we were not running for time... we were running to finish (and for the free beer at the end).
The entire point of signing up to run the Warrior Dash was to prove to myself that my body can handle a fair amount of stress and survive. I wanted to prove I could do something I set my mind to. I wanted to feel alive and in charge of my body.
All these things happened and more.
I rocked the obstacles
I made friends along the way who gave me their free beer chips
... and most importantly, I didn't stop. I didn't even want to. I knew that I could do it if I just didn't stop.
New lesson on the eating thing -
just don't quit (did Nike already use that as a slogan?)
For the uninitiated - go here!
The warrior dash is a 3.1 mile obstacle course meets 5k through mud, water and fire. I was pretty sure I could run it, I was not sure my body would deliver on the obstacles. I talked a few friends into going with me and I am so happy I did. It was AWESOME. It was hard, and easy and fun and a little scary and everything I had hoped it would be.
Of course we were not running for time... we were running to finish (and for the free beer at the end).
The entire point of signing up to run the Warrior Dash was to prove to myself that my body can handle a fair amount of stress and survive. I wanted to prove I could do something I set my mind to. I wanted to feel alive and in charge of my body.
All these things happened and more.
I rocked the obstacles
I made friends along the way who gave me their free beer chips
... and most importantly, I didn't stop. I didn't even want to. I knew that I could do it if I just didn't stop.
New lesson on the eating thing -
just don't quit (did Nike already use that as a slogan?)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The Cow Girl
I always feel like I need to post something after travel. I suppose that's because I usually find myself with time on my hands to slow down and look around when I'm not at home trudging through my normal routine.
So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits.
I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses. I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up.
This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat. She macerated her food. I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed. She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to. I could not stop staring. And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.
By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites. By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate. Then, she said she was full. Then she wanted attention because she was "so full". Then, I wanted to throw up for her.
Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?
Hmmm.
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow
So, I spent some time with good friends over the weekend and I couldn't help but add another "oh" to my list of skinny people traits.
I don't know about you but when I eat it is a feast for the senses. I absolutely LOVE the smells, the textures, well... actually, everything about a meal. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the preparation... hell - I even don't mind cleaning up.
This weekend, I watched my extremely (as in, once hospitalized for anorexia) thin friend eat. She macerated her food. I mean truly mushed it in her mouth for minutes before she swallowed. She would take a bite, start chewing, push it to the side, have a whole conversation, move it to the other side and then swallow.
It was the weirdest thing I ever actually paid attention to. I could not stop staring. And I wanted to eat again so I could watch - to make sure I wasn't just making this shit up.
By the time I was done eating, she had probably taken about 5 bites. By the time I finished my beer, she had eaten about 1/3 of what was on her plate. Then, she said she was full. Then she wanted attention because she was "so full". Then, I wanted to throw up for her.
Even I think I'm being mean right now but PLEASE!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I realize she is as mental as me and on the opposite side of the spectrum.
Wait -whoa - I wonder if she watched me eat and was amazed at the form and finish?
Hmmm.
Skinny people don't eat
Skinny people eat very, very slow
Friday, August 12, 2011
Guilty... or not?
It's been over a month since my last confession...
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I'm not even sure where to begin.
So, I suppose we back up to mid July. July has become my 50,000 mile check up month. For years I've been going to a huge outdoor, 4 day country music festival in the hills. Every year we meet up with friends we only ever see at said event. And, every year in about February ,I start planning how many pounds I can lose before we see them. Every year (this one included) I failed.
Normally, this would not be a big deal but this year (go time to 40 plan) I had some real hope that I would be able to wear the bikini top sans guilt or self deprecating thoughts... yeah, that didn't happen. I did end up wearing the bikini top and for most of the time I felt really comfortable letting my curves hang out. Then... my super fit, super young, super hot friends showed up and when they stripped down into their size 4 string bikinis it was time to put "midwestern mom on display" away.
I guess if I really break this one down it comes down to relativity. When you're looking good and feeling good and not comparing yourself to all the other peacocks in the room - life is great. No guilt. I just can't seem to get the competition out of my mind though.
Confession - I judge and I compare. I think this is because I am looking for validation. I feel horribly guilty about all of this. I am a bitch for wanting to be the showstopper in the room. I make up for what I lack in looks by really and truly trying to connect with people. I love to laugh, I love to hear stories, and I love to tell stories. But this all seems superficial sometimes. I don't necessarily want to have to try so hard... one day I would just like to be able to relax, to be me without having to be "on", and still be queen of the prom.
So fast forward to last week.
It's several weeks later and there is another 4 day event I've got to attend. This one is work related and usually not much fun. In relative terms I can tell you there were no size 4 hotties at this event. Not one, not anywhere. In the weeks between I had lost exactly 0 lbs. Nada, nothing. I looked the exact same way I did weeks ago. But this time... completely different story.
So - back to guilt.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to look good and feel good?
Should I feel guilty for judging and comparing?
Should I feel guilty for wanting more from myself?
I need to look at why I want all these things. Why do I need external validation in the first place?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Letter to me -
I was jumping around the internet today and I found a project where a bunch of celebrities wrote letters to their 16 year old selves. I'm no Brad Paisley, but I started thinking about what I would write..
Hi Honey - 7-1-2011 (from you, at 40)
I am writing to you today to let you know everything is probably not going to work out how you want it to.
It's OK though... some things are simply meant to be. Everything you think about fate and faith is probably true. Stick to your guns - you only end up pissing off a couple of people along the way (and they all end up forgiving you)
To take a few things off your mind -
You will have a date to the prom
You will not get pregnant before you get married (and you won't have to get married because you are pregnant)
You'll always have awesome friends
You will not be rich but you'll have a great life
You will not always love your job - but you'll be damn good at it
Some things you should do in high school-
You have way more going for you than you think you do, break up with that guy now
Put yourself out there a little bit more and give people a chance
Some things you should do in college-
I know you want to go into radio or TV but if there's any way you can pull off a double major in education- do it, I'd like my summer free please
Date more
Some things you might want to work on now (to save you /me the stress later)-
You're headed for fat - keep working out now... you'll have way more fun if you're not constantly obsessed with the weight thing
Don't forget to try to stay in touch with the people who come in and out of your life... you will miss them later
And finally -
Regardless of how tired you are - keep saying yes! It's what makes you/me who we are.
Yes to new things
Yes to hard jobs
Yes to learning
Yes to life....
XOXOXO
Me
Hi Honey - 7-1-2011 (from you, at 40)
I am writing to you today to let you know everything is probably not going to work out how you want it to.
It's OK though... some things are simply meant to be. Everything you think about fate and faith is probably true. Stick to your guns - you only end up pissing off a couple of people along the way (and they all end up forgiving you)
To take a few things off your mind -
You will have a date to the prom
You will not get pregnant before you get married (and you won't have to get married because you are pregnant)
You'll always have awesome friends
You will not be rich but you'll have a great life
You will not always love your job - but you'll be damn good at it
Some things you should do in high school-
You have way more going for you than you think you do, break up with that guy now
Put yourself out there a little bit more and give people a chance
Some things you should do in college-
I know you want to go into radio or TV but if there's any way you can pull off a double major in education- do it, I'd like my summer free please
Date more
Some things you might want to work on now (to save you /me the stress later)-
You're headed for fat - keep working out now... you'll have way more fun if you're not constantly obsessed with the weight thing
Don't forget to try to stay in touch with the people who come in and out of your life... you will miss them later
And finally -
Regardless of how tired you are - keep saying yes! It's what makes you/me who we are.
Yes to new things
Yes to hard jobs
Yes to learning
Yes to life....
XOXOXO
Me
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